Spike, Internet Dating, and Ponies
by Don Justice-100
Summary: When the Internet finally makes its way to Ponyville, Princess Celestia decides to put it to the test by setting up the first connection at her pupil's house. But with Twilight too busy to help, the Princess nominates Spike to give the web a test run, suggesting he join a dating site. He finds no interest in the idea until he sees his longtime crush, Rarity, as a member on one.
1. Chapter 1

On a bright and beautiful day in Ponyville, two creatures sharing different anatomies were approaching Twilight's treehouse home. Little dragon Spike and the illustrious Princess Celestia were walking side by side, the magic of the Princess willing a floating mass of junk after them. Among the parts in the junk pile were a cracked computer screen and a keyboard. When they got to the front door, Spike opened it and bowed his head to the Princess.  
"After you, mi'lady!"  
"Oh!" Though she was used to being treated like the princess she was, she felt happier being treated this way by those she knew personally.  
"Thank you, Spike. Such a gentleman!"  
She walked in and Spike shut the door after her. Once inside the treehouse, they expected to find Twilight busy reading a book or two.  
What they found...was a scene of total chaos.  
Twilight was in a frenzy, trying to catch ripped and shredded sheets of paper falling from the sky. Papers were everywhere, floating down in free-fall.  
And Owlowiscious was the cause of it all, slashing the pages of book after book from the top shelves of Twilight's personal library. He used his beak to pull another book off the shelf. Then he tossed it up and tore it to ribbons in his talons. Twilight, the poor pony, was trying to reason with him. But the owl was not listening.  
"No, Owlowiscious! NO! Just because they're not up to date doesn't mean you have to destroy them!"  
"Hoo?" The owl put a halt on his paper assault to take a look at Twilight mouthing the words, "Please stop". To this, he gave her a "Hoo-hoo!" and went back to shredding the old, outdated editions of books Twilight Sparkle desperately wanted to save.  
"The books! The books! Oh, Celestia! Save the books!"  
"Uh, is this a bad time, Twilight," asked the Princess.  
From the twisted curls in her hair and her shocked, dilated eyes, this was certainly the worst time for a visitor.  
Especially if that visitor was the grand ruler of Equestria.  
"Puh-puh Princess Celestia! What a surprise!" Twilight's voice was close to breaking. She was holding back her crazy, fearful side she'd first met in Lesson Zero.  
"I..I'm so happy to see you! Did...YOU bring her here, Spike?!"  
Knowing the consequences of triggering her nutty persona, Spike versed his next words with care. "Uh, no! No, the Princess came here with me to...to.."  
"To bring the Internet," continued Celestia, "to the residents of Ponyville! I thought it would be a good change for the town if I gave them another way  
to communicate with the rest of the world."  
"Oh, that's great! Super swell! And I'd love to help, but...OWLOWISCIOUS!"  
The owl's attack on the books sitting on the top shelf had ended. But he was in the makings of another attack on the shelf just below it.  
"NO! Those books are not old! They have all my star charts! How will I be able to tell the Little Dipper from the Milky Way?! Owlowiscious, please!"  
"Hoo?" The owl considered her words. He looked at Twilight...and back at the books. That's when he proceeded to tear them up again.  
"It looks like," said Celestia, "you have your hooves full at the moment. I think me and Spike can handle the setup, ourselves. We'll just need to go somewhere else."  
"Thank you so much, Princess! I'm sorry I can't help right now. But I swear that once this is sorted out, I'll be there!"  
Twilight then ran in the other room to get her 10-story ladder and her can of Bad Owl Spray.  
"So Spike," asked the Princess. "Know anywhere we can set up an Internet connection that won't be overtly obvious in the slightest?"  
Spike scratched his chin, then raised a finger up as if he was about to shout the word "Eureka!".  
"How about Pinkie's house? She lives right above Sugarcube Corner on the top floor. Nopony knows what she does up there."  
"Excellent! Come then. We must not tarry here. Twilight is..ergh..needs her space."

Spike and Celestia left for Sugarcube Corner, leaving Twilight to spray Owlowiscious in the face with her favorite brand of owl mace.

"Bad Owlowiscious! Bad...BAD Owlowiscious!"

"Hoo-hoo! Hoooooo!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Princess?"  
"Yes, Spike?"  
"Um...what's the Internet?"  
"It's hard to explain, Spike." Given the fact that they were almost at Sugarcube Corner, Celestia didn't feel like answering his question. But he had the right to know.  
After all, he'd be using it soon enough.  
"Where to begin? What IS the Internet?" The Princess sighed. "Okay, Spike. The Internet aka the Web is a global computer network everypony uses for their own needs. It varies from pony to pony for what he or she chooses to do with it."  
Spike heard all of what she said, but he still didn't get it. "You lost me after the word 'web'. Does that mean the Internet's a spider web or something?"  
The Princess almost gave herself a facehoof. She knew Spike wasn't too bright, but she thought that her definition was adequately explained. She sighed.  
"Okay, how about...the Internet's a super fun place where you can be totally awesome!"  
"Whoa! Really? I think I'm going to like this Internet stuff! Hey, look Princess! We're here!"  
As she watched Spike run in the store, she shook her head. "That boy just ain't right," she said.  
Tired from using her magic to keep the pile of broken parts afloat, she lay them down and took a little break. Meanwhile, Spike was at the counter talking with  
one of the store's owners, Mr. Carrot Cake.  
"And that's when I told him, you can't cup THAT cake! Hahahahaa!"  
Spike busted a gut at Mr. Cake's mature joke. He didn't really get the punchline. But he thought it better to just be polite and laugh rather than pointing out how unfunny his joke was. "Ahahaha! That's a good one Mr. Cake! Haha! Yeah..."  
"So what brings you to our store today, Spike," asked Mr. Cake with a genuine smile. "If it's gemstones smeared in the soft, rich cream of a cupcake,  
I've got one right here."  
He reached under the counter and handed Spike a box. There was a grease stain on the side of it, but Spike didn't mind.  
"Ooh! I haven't eaten a gem in hours! But first, there's this favor I got to ask."  
"A favor?" Mrs. CupCake had trotted in from upstairs. She'd just tucked in her little ones for an afternoon nap and her hair was a little tangled up.  
"You okay, Mrs. Cake?"  
"The little dears always put up a fight when it comes to naptime," said Mrs. Cake. "But they're sleeping peacefully now."  
"Good job, honey," said Mr. Cake. "It usually takes me half an hour to get them to sleep. You just broke my record!"  
"Oh, you!"  
Mrs. Cake went to the counter and gave her husband a well-deserved kiss. Spike was blown away by the prowess Mr. Cake had in wooing his wife.  
If only he could be that smooth. He watched as she cooed sweet words in his ear and gave him more kisses. Spike folded his arms and cleared his throat,  
ending their love fest.  
"I'm, uh..still here, you know!"  
"What? Oh! Sorry, Spike!" Mr. Cake was this close to pulling his beloved over the countertop and giving her his full attention.  
"We're sorry, but when we get close like this," said Mrs. Cake, her eyes still on her man, "it's like we're the only two ponies in the world."  
"I'm so lucky to have you, my sugar dumpling!"  
"You're so sweet, my darling Carrot Cake!"  
"Oh, baby!"  
"Oh, dear!"  
"Oh, brother!" Spike was mad. He was ready to take his cupcake from that box and tell them where to shove it when the Princess walked in.  
"My goodness! I can really sense the love between you two, even from out here!"  
"Oh, Princess Celestia!" Mr. Cake got his hooves off his wife and Mrs. Cake straightened her hair out.  
Seems the presence of royalty breaks up everything, thought Spike.  
"Please, forgive us for not noticing your arrival earlier," said Mrs. Cake apologetically. "We didn't hear the sound of your royal chariot of ponies, and..!"  
"It's quite alright," said the Princess, feeling honored by the couple's meekness. "I came here on hoof today. And I was wondering if me and Spike could  
ask a favor of you two?"  
"Oh, anything," said Mr. Cake, "anything at all, Princess!"  
"We're here to serve," said Mrs. Cake. "If there's anything we can get you, please don't hesitate to ask!"  
"Oh, I don't require a snack. At least, not right now. I only wish to have the use of a vacant room upstairs for a project I'm hoping will be a success."  
"Okay. But I..." Mr. Cake gulped, trying hard not to offend her royal highness. "The babies..our babies are upstairs. If I could humbly ask of you, my Princess,  
to keep the noise to a minimum?"  
"We'll be as quiet as a mouse," replied the Princess.  
"Yeah," said Spike in a snide way, "a mouse with a hammer!"  
BAM! The Princess had given Spike a nice smack on the head.  
"Ow! Princess!"  
"Try to behave like a good little dragon, Spike. We won't need any tools. My magic and your hands will suffice. Now come. We have much work to do!"  
Using her horn, she magically willed the computer parts outside through the door. They followed her as she went quietly up the stairs to the second floor of the store.  
Mr. and Mrs. Cake watched her go up with bated breath. Remembering something he forgot to say, Mr. Cake ran to the first step and said,  
"It's the door on the right, Princess! At the end of the hall, can't miss it!"  
Celestia whisphered back the words "Thank you" before reaching the top step. Spike rubbed the spot on his head where the Princesses' hoof landed and grumbled.  
"Man. For a Princess, she really knows how to hit a guy!"  
"Be on your best behavior, Spike," said Mrs. Cake. "The Princess asked YOU to help with...whatever she's doing up there! It's quite an honor!"  
"Yeah, yeah."  
"And just to be sure you will be good..." said Mr. Cake, his hooves now on the box meant for Spike, "I'll be holding your cupcake hostage until tomorrow!"  
"Wha?! But I don't think I'll be able to take another step without one..little..cupcakey bite!"  
"Sorry, Spike. But responsibility to the Princess comes first!" Mr. Cake put the box back under the counter, much to Spike's dismay.  
"Hurry along, Spike. The Princess is waiting for you."  
Spike groaned. He really wanted that cupcake. But he couldn't get it back now. And the stern look on Mr. Cake's face told him that there was no changing his mind.  
So Spike went upstairs to join Celestia in the room at the end of the hall. When he got there, he saw she was already busy at the task at hand, assembling the pieces of the broken computer together with her magic.  
"Wow," said Spike in a flattering way. "Look at you! You're a real do-it-yourself pony, Princess! Guess you won't be needing my help, huh?"  
"Actually Spike," said the Princess, "I need you to..."  
"Great! I knew that a wise, smart and beautiful pony such as yourself could do it. I think I'll just sit back and.."  
"Oh, no you don't, Spike! You're not getting out of this that easily!" She handed Spike the cracked computer screen and pointed at the pile of parts.  
"Now find out where that one fits. Once you do, I'll seal it in with my magic. Be careful, though. It's very fragile."  
"Ooookaay," Spike groaned.

This was going to be a long day for Spike.


	3. Chapter 3

It was when the moon was full that Spike and the Princess had finished their work on putting the computer together. Sitting atop a wooden table, it still looked like garbage. But it was working just fine. On its screen, the default wallpaper was a Windows logo with the likeness of a shadowed pony in the background.  
Spike sat in a mahogany chair facing the computer with Celestia standing close by.  
"So this is a computer," said Spike. "It sure is shiny. Is that what it's for?"  
"Oh, Spike," replied Celestia. "It's not just for show. It can do more than simply be shiny. Move the mouse and see how it functions."  
Following her instruction, Spike used the mouse. He practiced moving the mouse cursor across the screen.  
"Good, Spike. Observe the icons available on the screen. Each of them has a process unique to their programming. Now remember: left-click is for highlighting icons,  
like the ones you see here on the Desktop. Right-click is also used for highlighting icons, but for other options, too. There is a learning curve you will have to conquer. But it will be a walk in the park, once you get used to it."  
The Princess smiled, feeling proud of her recent declaration of words. She looked to Spike to hear his response, then frowned. He had not heard a word of what she said, for the little dragon was having too much fun pretending the cursor was a sword.  
"Whoosh! Take that, monster! I, the Great and Powerful Spike, will slay all the icons in this domain! Whoosh! They will face the fury of my Recycle Bin!"  
Spike clicked on and dragged one of the icons to the Recycle Bin. He right-clicked on the Recycle Bin icon and said,  
"Beg for mercy before me, Firefox!" Just as he was a mouse click away from deleting the icon, the Princess gave him another smack on his forehead.  
"Aah! What was THAT for?!"  
"I'm glad that you understood some of what I said," she told him. "But I'd like it even more if you'd stop deleting the icons and listen, Spike! My goodness!  
Are you this way when Twilight is around?"  
"Pretty much," said Spike.  
"Let's get you on the Internet," said Celestia with a sigh, "before you really give me a headache."  
"Alright! More icons to destroy!"  
"No, Spike. This...is the Internet."  
Celestia pushed the mouse cursor to the Internet Explorer Pony icon and left-clicked it twice. Then a window popped up.  
After five seconds of loading, the window was blank.  
"Huh? Nothing's there."  
"That's because we need to type in a website. And before you ask the question, websites are places where ponies go to do stuff. Whether you are looking for somepony or something else special, you can find it if you know the address of a webpage, also known as its URL. But since you're new at this and don't know any websites, I'll give you one to start with. You know how to write, right?" Spike nodded. "Then typing will come easy for you! Click on the search box in the window. What's there at the moment is the current address: 'about:blank'. Use the keyboard to type in this address:  
double-u double-u double-u...dot...google=pony...dot...com. Did you catch that, Spike?"  
"Yep!" Spike typed in the words exactly.  
"Now," said Celestia, "hit the Enter key."  
"Enter key...Enter key...is this it?" Spike pushes a finger down on the right key and the page loads.  
Once it's done, the screen now has the words 'GOOGLE=PONY' on it in blue, red, yellow, and green letters.  
"What's this website for?"  
"Google=Pony is a popular search engine. It is used for seeking types of data and or files on a database. Like the Internet, for example. Go on.  
Type in anything you want and Google=Pony will find it for you."  
Spike tapped the mouse with his claw, thinking of the things he could search for. When he was sure of one, he put his hands on the keyboard and began to type. Celestia tried to see what he was typing, but his big dragon head was blocking her view of the keys.  
"Finished!" Spike had hit the Enter key. When the Princess saw what the results brought up, she gave Spike a trolling look.  
"Celestia loves cake," she said, reading what Spike put in the searchbar, "om, nom...nom, nom. Very funny, Spike. Can't you be serious about this?"  
"I am being serious," said Spike with a straight face. "I have yet to see your face while eating cake. But I heard from a pony, who knows another pony, who knows one of your royal guards...that it's a cute one."  
Celestia blushed. She thought she looked like a ravenous cake-eating monster when she enjoyed even a single slice of cake. That's why every time she ordered one from Sugarcube Corner, she'd demand that no one bother her while she ate it all by her lonesome.  
"Hey, Spike?"  
"Yes, Princess?"  
"You're no cassanova, but at times...you show the potential to be somepony's special somepony."  
That complement gave Spike a boost. "You..you really think so?!"  
Celestia nodded. "I do."  
"Aw, yeah! Rarity, here I come!"  
"I don't think you have enough experience yet for a pony like Rarity, kiddo."  
"Aw, man!"  
"But I do know where you can get some of that experience." Celestia put her long, slender arms over Spike's small shoulders to reach the keyboard.  
With her right hoof, she moved the mouse to click on the searchbar while using her left hoof to type.  
"And...done!"  
She hit Enter and took her hooves off the keyboard. Spike thought she'd take her arms off his shoulders then. Instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and chest. They held the upper half of his body prisoner. Spike blushed, feeling as if her hooves could choke the life out of him.  
"Uh, Princess..if you wouldn't mind.."  
"Shh, Spike! It's loading," she said with a whispher in his ear. "Might take a while."  
He felt the embrace of Celestia's muzzle on the back of his scales.  
"A long...long while."  
Spike felt a tingle down his spine..and somewhere else, too. He did not like where this was going. Once the page finished loading, he wriggled out from the Princesses' clutches and leaned forward, like a nerd with nothing to do but read all day.  
"Sorry," said Spike, "but since it was done loading, I figured I'd uh, get a better look at the screen!"  
The Princess sighed. "Very well, Spike. Very well."  
Facing the computer screen, Spike saw that this website had a red background. There were white lacy hearts tiled on it. And at the top of the page, the title read: 'PONIES for LOVERS'.  
"And what is this website for?"  
"This is a dating site."  
"A dating site? How's that work?"  
"As a member of this dating site, Ponies for Lovers dot com can match you up with your ideal special somepony. This is the best way for stallions and mares alike to find the one they will love and cherish always. At least, that's what I've heard."  
The Princess didn't share that opinion, as she had been a member for years and has yet to find a special somepony of her own. Spike found no interest in the site  
as he scrolled down the page, viewing the photos of various ponies. That is, till he saw a familiar face. A purple mane...with skin as white as marshmallow...and eyes bluer than diamonds. It had to be...  
"Rarity! That's Rarity!"  
"Where?"  
"Right there! I can't believe it! She's a part of this site, too?"  
"Apparently so."  
"But wait. How could she be a member of this dating site if she doesn't have a computer?"  
"Oh, she has one."  
Spike gawked at the Princess in disbelief. "What?! How?"  
"I had my guards install computers in the homes of many ponies here in Ponyville," said the Princess. "To test the Internet more efficiently,  
I needed more ponies to use it."  
"But I thought you said we were setting up the only computer in Ponyville!"  
"Oh, I lied. Forgive me, but I really wanted to set one of these babies up, myself. To see what it was like to do grunt work, the work I usually assign to my guards."  
"So Rarity's on this dating site, huh? That means we can finally go on a date!"  
"Hold on. This site won't allow you to just..."  
"Come on! Sign me up, Princess! I want to be a member of this dating site thing!"  
"Well...okay."  
Spike felt like jumping for joy. He would finally have the chance to date Rarity! Celestia reached over Spike's shoulders again and clicked the mouse  
on the 'Sign Up' icon. The 'New Member - Join Now' page came up and Spike typed in his name.  
"Spike...the...Dragon. No! Delete that and put...Spike...the...Uber...Sexy...Dragon!"  
"That's really original, Spike," said the Princess. "But before you continue, I feel I must warn you that..."  
"Password," said Spike, oblivious to Celestia's words, "...IAMTHEGREATEST100...and...Enter!"  
And just like that, Spike had joined a dating site. A window came up with his profile. The avatar was a question mark.  
Under 'Qualities' and 'Hobbies' was the word 'None'.  
"Seems I've got a lot of typing to do. Got to make it look good if I want to date my...special somepony, heh!"  
"You won't get paired up with Rarity right away," said the Princess.  
"Huh?"  
"I tried to tell you. As a new member, your privileges are few. You can't even choose your avatar until you reach full member status.  
And any higher ranking member can pick you to be their date, whether you want them to or not."  
"What? That's crazy talk! I want out of this!"  
"Sorry, Spike. As soon as you joined, you agreed to the official terms of agreement found within the online contract. You cannot go back on it.  
You have to use the dating service for a minimum of 30 days before you can call it quits."  
"No way! That really stinks, Princess!"  
"If you want," suggested Celestia, "I could use my authority as a high-ranking member to remove your membership.  
But if I do, you'll have to go back home and help Twilight with her...little problem."  
Spike flashed back to Twilight at the treehouse, her mane ravaged by the screwy madness of her inner psyche.  
"Nu-uh! I'm not going back to THAT! Not without my cupcake. Ugh! What am I going to do?"  
"Tell you what, Spike. If you go on at least five dates with five ponies, online or offline, I'll bump you up to full member status.  
I have the power to do that, you know."  
"You'd do that for me? Thanks, Princess!" Spike put his arms around the tall pony's neck, giving it a nice hug.  
"That's sweet. But remember, Spike. You have to actually _go out _with somepony. After you've gone out on those five dates, come see me in Canterlot. Got it?"  
"I got it. But then.."  
Going out on a bunch of dates with a bunch of ponies he may or may not know? It sounded like a lot of work.  
"...I don't know, Princess. Who would want to spend their time with a dragon?"  
"I'm not sure. But I'll understand if you'd rather not do this. Perhaps instead you could take the direct approach to your goal and ask Rarity out in real life?"  
"Ergh!"  
Spike remembered the last time he tried to do that. He'd hid in a bush next to Rarity's boutique for three hours before giving up and going home.  
Going on dates with strangers was not what he wanted to do. But for Rarity, it was worth it.  
"I think I'll stick with the first thing, Princess. So where do I start?"


	4. Chapter 4

After spending hours alone in front of the computer, Spike had finally completed his profile page. The Princess left not too long ago for Canterlot, saying she had to go take care of some official business. He recalled what she'd last said to him.  
"You know, Spike," said the Princess, "you could always go ask ponies in Ponyville on dates instead of using the Internet.  
That site might give you somepony you might regret meeting later."  
Spike disregarded her words, not caring for the pony he'd meet online. After all, his only desire was to go on enough dates to get to Rarity.  
The pony he was 'dating' was not a part of the equation.  
"Let's see here," said Spike as he read off his profile page. "Name...Spike the Uber Sexy Dragon! Qualities...Cool, awesome, and great at parties!  
Also charming and debonair to the ladies! Oh yeah! That's good! And under Hobbies I have...being a dragon. Hm. I'll fix that later."  
He hit Enter on the keyboard and waited for the page to load. Once the loading was complete, he looked over his profile and smiled.  
"Yeah, this is sure to reel the ladies in." Just then, he heard a *ping* sound from the computer's built-in speakers. A small window pop-ups with a message.  
"What's this? 'Your 1st Special Somepony has been found'? It's working already?"  
The eager dragon smoothed over his scales and grinned. "Some lucky pony's about to get a date with the Spikeman! Tonight!"  
He clicked 'OK' on the small window and another window popped up. It had a Chat Box with one comment already in it.  
The name in the Chat Box told Spike that a very special pony had left it there.  
"Wait...Princess Celestia? She wants to date me?"  
Spike didn't think it was possible. He figured that the Princess wanted to see him for another favor or something.  
Remembering what she'd told him about typing and chat rooms, he began to type in a response to her in the Chat Box.  
"What's...going...on...Princess?"  
He then hit Enter and waited. It took no more than five seconds for the Princess to reply. The computer goes *ping* again.  
"And now she says...'I want...to see you. Can you meet me...at the Everfree...Forest in...ten minutes?' Huh?"  
This was suddenly sounding like an actual date. Spike gave himself a facepalm. He didn't want to date Princess Celestia!  
Sure, she's a royal and powerful pony with a bodacious flank. But he wanted his hometown sweetheart, the crush of his life, Rarity on his arm.  
This date would count for one out of the five he'd needed to get the chance to ask Rarity out without obstacles. Then Spike hears another *ping* sound.  
He looks up from his claw to see the new comment.  
"Please...Hurry. And P.S...bring cake?"  
Then a message popped up saying: 'This participant has left the Chat Room'. Spike sat there, his face frozen in a mix of shock and fear.  
That was it. He'd just won himself his first date with the Princess. For a moment or two, he simply sat there, staring blankly at the screen. Then he blinked and  
gave himself a smack on the cheek.  
"Come on, Spike! You've got no time to lose! Even if this is a date with the Princess...you've got to do this! It's for Rarity! And what kind of guy would I be  
if I turned down a lady like the Princess?"  
Empowered by the boldness of his own words, he hopped down from his chair and went to the door. He left the room, out into the dark hallway.  
He was afraid of the darkness in the hall. But a faint light from downstairs lit the way for him to go. As Spike tiptoed downstairs, a pony was still awake  
in the main foyer of the store. It was Mr. Cake standing in front of the oven, watching it heat up a confection inside its 40-watt metallic womb. He was working overtime to finish a tall order from Filthy Rich. Though his eyes were heavy with sleepiness, he had to make sure the dessert didn't get burned up from being overcooked. He then heard the sound of footsteps. Craning his head to the right, he saw it was Spike coming down the stairs.  
"Well, hello Spike," he said with a yawn. "How are you?"  
Spike looked left and right, searching for something. "Good...good. Hey, Mr. Cake. Do you got a spare cake lying around?"  
"A cake? If you're hungry Spike, I could just give you that cupcake."  
Spike was hungry. But he had more important things to worry about than his hunger. He rubbed on his growling tummy.  
"That'd sure hit the spot. But I can't eat now! I got to get to the Everfree Forest to meet with the Princess! And for some reason, she told me to bring her a cake.  
Now I know it sounds crazy, but..."  
Mr. Cake pushed a pink box into Spike's hands.  
"Huh, what's this?"  
"It's the cake. Take it. One of our orders today was a prank by somepony who thought sending me and my snookums to a fake address would be hilarious.  
Well! We'll see who gets the last laugh when I report that wise guy to the cops! You hear that, Ivanabuck? I WILL get you! You can't get away with...all those pranks...I...zzzzz."  
Mr. Cake had fallen asleep...while standing up! Spike sighed. "Poor Mr. Cake."  
Placing the pink box in one hand, he snaps his fingers to wake the hard-working pony up. "Mr. Cake! Hey, wake up!"  
"Huh, who's there? Is that you, honey?"  
"Uh, no. It's me, Spike!"  
Mr. Cake let out a big yawn. "What are you...still doing here? You got to get...to the Princess! With the cake!"  
"Alright, alright! I'm going!"  
Spike takes his leave of the store. As he heads out the front door he says, "Good luck on whatever you're baking!"  
"Baking? I...the order! Oh, no!"  
The smoke from the oven indicated that the fancy dessert in it was being burnt to a crisp.  
"Noooo! Oh, Mr. Rich is going to kill me!"  
After leaving Sugarcube Corner, Spike was well on his way out of Ponyville. He jogged as fast as his two feet could carry him until he reached his destination.  
The Everfree Forest. He stopped to take a break. Though he was out of breath and sweating tons, he'd made it. At the forest's entrance waited Princess Celestia.  
She tapped her hoof in anticipation, waiting for him there. Once Spike jogged to the Princess, he took another break, inhaling all the air his body needed to keep breathing.  
"Good, Spike. You're here. Just in time."  
"Yeah...I would...have been here earlier, but...was getting...the cake you wanted...for our date!" He was still heaving hard, but Spike somehow got the words out.  
He opened the pink box to show her the cake. It was white with pink, fluffy frosting circling its base.  
"Ooh, cake! So you brought it after all! I was sort of joking when I asked you to bring one. We can share it once we're finished with the mission."  
Spike sighed. He knew that after the Princess took her first bite out of it, there wouldn't be anything left of that cake.  
"Sure, okay." The little dragon had finally gotten enough air to speak normally again. "But what mission are you talking about? Do you mean our um, date?"  
"Date? Oh, Spike!" Celestia chuckled at the innocence of Spike's remark. "This isn't a date! I contacted you online to ask you for your help."  
"Oh." Though he had originally thought it wasn't a date, Spike felt a little disappointed. He thought he really had a shot at going out with the Princess.  
"Don't worry, Spike. I'll mark this off as Date No.#1 for you, so it'll count."  
"You will? Aw, thanks, Princess!" One date down. Four to go.  
"For tonight, I need you to accompany me on a mission to save a small faction of my royal guards."  
"Saving your royal guards," said Spike. "Aren't they trained to take care of themselves in any situation?"  
"Not these guards. They were volunteer ponies I hired a few months ago to scout out the Everfree Forest. Lately, I've had a small interest in that forest.  
I knew it was a self-propelled area of space. But I wanted to know more. What made the clouds and trees move and grow? I had to know the secrets hidden in that forest. Secrets I could not find by myself. So I sent those guards-for-hire in the forest to do the search for me. One month ago, one of my guards told me that they had not returned to Canterlot for some time. So I sent more guards after them. But my guards couldn't go in as far as those three could."  
"Why not?"  
Celestia sighed. She looked back at Ponyville and smiled. "Because they lack the sheer grit that ponies from places like Ponyville have.  
The nerve that comes from working with your own hooves, carving out a life for yourself in a small town...and not a royal, metropolitan city like Canterlot.  
Canterlot may train Royal Guards for combat. But it also shelters them from the dangers of the world. Like the dangers that you and Twilight have faced."  
"Whoa."  
"Yes. Without the experience of that danger, my own guards didn't stand a chance in that forest. Those volunteer ponies are the only ones who could get in there  
and stay there. But now, they're..."  
The Princess looked back at the trees. She grimaced at the sight of their branches, hanging aloof with no leaves to fall from them.  
Spike could see that these guards really meant something to her. He reached out and rubbed the side of Celestia's leg.  
"Hey, don't worry about it, Princess! If they're as good as you say they are, they'll be fine. All we have to do is go in there and look for them."  
Spike's words seemed to cheer her up, as a smile soon graced the face of the Princess.  
"You're right, Spike. Let's go in there and find my guards."  
"Yeah! That's the spirit!"  
Spike then gets aboard Celestia's back. With the pink box of cake in his lap, he holds on to the back of her mane as they go into the Everfree Forest.  
In under half an hour of walking through the dense underbrush, Spike and the Princess were soon lost deep inside the woods. Celestia's eyes were wide open,  
her gaze focused solely on finding her missing men. Spike, however, was starting to worry if they'd ever get out of that forest. There were so many paths to take. And where there were shadows, something would surely be creeping.  
"Hello! Hello out there!" Celestia called out, hoping to hear somepony call back. "My dearest guards, it is I! Princess Celestia! I've come to find you! Hello?"  
Some time after she calls out, something steps out of the shadow of a tree. Wearing a brown hood, it was hard to tell who it was. But the black and white stripes  
Spike saw on its legs gave up the identity of the stranger.  
"Hey," said Spike, "it's Zecora!"  
"Good evening to you," said the noble zebra, "my little Spike. How have you been, my rambunctious little tyke?"  
"I'm great! Hey, want some cake?"  
"Now wait a minute, Spike," chimed in Celestia. "Are you sure you want to share our cake with Zecora?"  
"Of course I do," said Spike as he gave the box to Zecora. "She's a friend! Go on. Have a bite, Zecora! I think it's vanilla."  
"I would not mind to partake, of some of your delicious cake!"  
Zecora, in a very unladylike fashion, buried her head in the box and consumed the cake like a ravenous pig. Once she was done, she sighed in satisfaction  
and gave the box back to Spike.  
"Please Spike," begged the Princess, "please tell me she left something in there for me!"  
But Spike shook his head. "Nope. Sorry, Princess. Zecora, you must've been really hungry. You ate the whole cake!"  
"Yes," said Zecora. "I missed breakfast and lunch. I'd forgotten to go to town...to buy a box of Captain Brony Crunch."  
Celestia took the box from Spike and eyed every corner of it. Nothing. Not even a crumb left to nibble on.  
"Great. Just great! Well, back to what we came here for. Zecora?"  
"Yes, Princess Celestia? What is your current dilemma?"  
"That...was not your best rhyme," said Spike.  
"I'm looking for something. My intuition tells me that you might know what it is."  
"If it is about the ponies you have not seen...they have been captured by one who is queen."  
"One who is...queen?" Spike tried to figure it out, but it was Celestia who got it first.  
"Queen Chrysalis, the changeling queen! But how?"  
"It matters not," Zecora replied, "for she now has them close. I'd rescue them myself, but..."  
"...you'd surely be toast," added Spike. Celestia turned back to frown at Spike, with Zecora doing the same after she lifted up her hood.  
"What? She's a real bad guy! She almost took over Canterlot and all of Equestria!"  
"I know, Spike," said the Princess. "But we have to get those ponies back from her. They have family waiting for them.  
And I'm not going to be the one who has to tell my guards to break the bad news to their loved ones. Not this time."  
"Follow me," said Zecora, "I know where they are. Stay with me. For it is not too far."  
Zecora took Celestia and Spike through troves of trees and grasslands. As he let out a yawn, Spike wondered what time it was now.  
It was past midnight, he guessed. And Twilight would probably be in bed.  
"Oh, Twilight," he said to himself, "I'm so tired. I wish I could be back home...sleeping there...with you."  
The three continued on past bogs, a swamp, and more trees. Their journey ended when Zecora stopped in front of a huge berry bush.  
"This," said Zecora, "is as far as I go. The ponies you seek...I will now show."  
She pushed the leaves of the bush apart, revealing an open patch of field just ahead. In the field were three stallions. They were trapped in medieval stockades.  
"I see," said the Princess. "That's them, alright."  
"So what's our game plan," asked Spike. "How do we save them?"  
The Princess rubbed the back of her mane. "I...hmm...well, Spike...I don't know."  
"Princess! You don't have a plan?"  
"I didn't know they had been captured, Spike! I only came here with the intention of finding them and bringing them back."  
"But if we don't have a plan, how are we going to save them?"  
"With this." From under her cloak, Zecora brought out a small piece of bamboo. Both sides of the bamboo were hollowed out. Spike gave the zebra a doubtful look.  
"A stick? And how's that going to save the day?"  
"Oh, little Spike, observe this stick. It has the power to take anypony down, quick. I blow out at one end, a dart is sent flying.  
I take out my enemy, without even trying."  
"A blowgun, eh?" Celestia was impressed. "That sort of weapon is primitive, to say the least."  
"You can use magic but only for so long," replied Zecora. "for the changeling queen is strong. She will use dirty tricks to defeat you. So you must play her game and play dirty, too."  
Celestia took the blowgun from Zecora. It already had a single dart loaded in the stick.  
"Seems I'll have to take the shot. Unless...Spike!"  
He'd been quiet for a while, but Spike was still there. He was just trying to keep his eyes open, fighting off the spell of sleep.  
"Spike!"  
"Oh! What? I wasn't sleeping!"  
"Here, take this blowgun. I need you to blow the dart at Queen Chrysalis when she has her back to us. Understand, Spike?"  
"Why do I have to do it?"  
"Come on, Spike," said Celestia with a chuckle. "I'm the princess! I can't be seen doing actual work. And it's not fitting for a princess to use a weapon.  
Royal rules, Spike."  
Spike grumbled as he snatched the blowgun from her hoof. For a deadly weapon, it was very light.  
"Look, my friends," said Zecora. "The queen has returned. The time has come for us to watch, listen, and learn."  
Now entering the field where the three stallions were held prisoner was Chrysalis, the changeling queen. She began to converse with her captive audience,  
as Celestia, Spike, and Zecora looked on.  
"Good evening, my little ponies," said the changeling queen as she approached the three stallions. "Have you given any thought to my proposal?"  
The three remained silent. The stallion in middle had grayish skin with a dark mane and dull yellow eyes. He was an Earth pony with a cutie mark of three green four-leaf clovers on his flank. The stallion on his right was brown with a blond mane and golden eyes. He was a Pegasus pony. A camera held up by string straps hung from his neck. His flank had a reversed golden symbol of the USD (United States Dollar) on it. And the stallion on the other side was a lighter shade of brown with light blonde hair and blue eyes. He was as buff as Big Macintosh, but had the cutie mark of a wagon wheel on his flank instead of a green apple. The stallion with the four-leaf clover cutie mark looked away from Chrysalis, avoiding her cold, piercing eyes. As queen of the changelings, she would not tolerate this sort of defiance.  
She walked up to the stallion and put a hoof to his chin, turning his head to face her.  
"Did you not hear me? I said...have you given my proposal some thought? Any at all? Hmm?"  
"Bite me," said the stallion.  
"You insignificant little pony!" SLAAAP! The queen gave him a hard slap across his face.  
"What's your name?"  
"What's it to you?"  
"Just stop it, Felix," said the stallion with the reversed gold USD cutie mark. "Fighting this lady's not going to get us out of here faster."  
"Whose side are you on," barked Felix at the stallion.  
"The side that gets me out of this stupid forest, that's who!"  
"Fellas, fellas," said the stallion with the wagon wheel cutie mark. "We're all in this together. We don't need all this quarreling.  
She can't break us if we stay as a unit."  
"Blah, blah, blah! No deal, Oregon Trail! I'm too cool to work with you chumps on this. I'm a one man show, dig?"  
"Come on, Dollar," demanded Felix, "work with us here! We're a team!"  
"Silence," shouted Chrysalis over their bickering. "I see we're going to have a problem here. I assume you three don't agree on my deal?"  
"I swear by my mark," said Felix to the changeling queen, "that I'll never betray our Princess."  
"Despite the fact that you live nowhere near her fantastically rich kingdom?"  
"That don't matter none to us," said Oregon Trail. "We're happy to support Celestia. She hoof-picked us out of all the ponies in Ponyville to be in this here forest.  
She even promised us as many gold bits as we wanted to do this. There's nothing ya'll got that will make me turn my back on her."  
"And I suppose," said Chrysalis to Dollar, "that you won't help me either?"  
"That depends," said Dollar. "How much you got?"  
"D-Dollar?! Ya'll can't be serious!"  
"Oh, I am," said Dollar to Oregon Trail. "You see, losers, I'm one of the Pegasi paparazzi. I'm too good to go down here with you. Cause I got the scoop of the century right here in this camera. And once I get back to Ponyville, I'll be making some real dough. You feel me? Get what I'm saying?"  
"So you only volunteered," said Felix, almost at a loss for words, "for the money? And what scoop are you talking about?"  
"You're so naive, Felix. I only joined up to do this lousy errand so I could get close enough to Celestia. As you are well aware, nopony in Ponyville or anywhere else has ever caught the Princess doing something sick or un-princess like. But as a respected member of the Pegasi paparazzi, I knew that I alone had a shot. Whaddya think I was doing that night when that royal broad let us stay in her castle? I was snooping around the place looking for her while you two morons stuffed your faces. And when I found her, I snapped like fifty good ones! I got over fifty copies of her doing something unspeakably disgusting! And that's why I need to get gone! I don't need you chumps holding me back."  
Oregon Trail gave Dollar an angry snort. "You dirty...no good piece of hay!"  
"I just," said Felix with his head down low, "can't believe it. Were you pretending to be friends with me and Oregon Trail...the whole time?"  
"Believe it, Felix," said Dollar with a sneer. "I don't like you losers. You're sheep. And in this world, the only ones that get far are sharks.  
Celestia's a shark. But with these photos, I'm going to be the pony that takes her down a peg! Then I'll be the shark, and she'll be the sheep!"  
The evil intent of Dollar made Queen Chrysalis laugh. "I like that plan! And I'm starting to like you, little pony."  
"The name's Dollar," he barked back at the changeling queen. "Or Cashier. Or Money Shot. Either one's fine. So how's about you getting me out of this thing  
before the next Winter Wrap Up, huh?"  
"Gladly." And Chrysalis used her magic to free Dollar from his stockade. The heinous pony stretched out his limbs, easing the tension they'd acquired  
from being locked in for a long time.  
"Heh, heh, heh! Reunited, and it feels SO good! Hey, Felix! Cheer up, buddy. Your stupid loyalty to that broad won't be in total vain. Ain't that right, your highness?"  
"Ahh! Your highness," said Chrysalis with a devious smile. "I like how that sounds. And I do love a suckup."  
"I live to serve, your majesty!"  
Then Dollar walked up to the changeling queen, took a knee, and after taking her hoof in his, gave it a soft kiss.  
This act of respect towards her made the queen very, very happy. But from the view of Princess Celestia, this was an act of treason. Having watched the entire scene from the bushes nearby, she was burning mad with royal rage.  
"That...that no good...piece of sewer trash," growled the Princess. "I will make him pay dearly for his deception! Spike! Fire the blowgun! Spike?"  
Unfortunately for the Princess, Spike had fallen asleep at his post. Unbeknownst to Celestia and Zecora, he'd fallen asleep earlier, just as the changeling queen  
had shown up. Now he lay on his back snoring peacefully in the grass.  
"Ugh, forget it! I'll do it myself!" The Princess snatched the blowgun off of Spike's belly and aimed through the berry bush, locking on to Queen Chrysalis.  
"Look at her. Getting a kiss on her ugly, rotting hooves from that treasonous fool. It makes me sick!"  
"Aim with care," warned Zecora. "For if you miss, we have no ammo to spare."  
"Trust me, Zecora. I...will not...miss!"  
That's when Queen Chrysalis turned to the side, revealing her bare flank. Celestia smiled; she'd found her target.

"Gotcha."

"Now what," said Chrysalis to Felix and Oregon Trail, "should I do with you two? My children need to feed. Then again, so do I.  
Perhaps I shall use you as hostages. Then Celestia will have no choice but to surrender her kindo- WAAHAAHAAA!?"  
In a similar fashion to Rarity, the queen yelped out in pain. The dart had been fired...and hit its target right on the mark. Bullseye!  
"Ohhh, so tired...I...no! Must...take over...kingdom! Uaahh..."  
She tried to keep her balance, but it was no good. Zecora had filled that one dart with enough sleeping powder to knock out all the ponies in Ponyville  
and Appleloosa combined. Now too woozy to stand, the changeling queen fell on her side, right on top of Dollar.  
"Ugh! Somepony get this heavy broad offa me! I can't breathe here! C'mon!"  
"You'll have plenty of time to breathe," said Celestia as she stepped out of the berry bush, "behind bars!"  
"Ah can't believe it," exclaimed Oregon Trail as he wagged his tail. "The Princess is here!"  
"We're saved," said Felix. "Oh, we can finally go home!"  
"Yes, my brave ponies," Celestia said to the grateful stallions. "You've done your duty. And now...I set you free."  
The Princess waved her horn over the two stallions and released them from their stockades. They looked upon their saviour with bright eyes of admiration and pride.  
"You're our hero, Princess Celestia," said Felix.  
"You saved our bacon," said Oregon Trail. "You really are the best, Princess!"  
"Big time!"  
"Oh, boys!" Celestia's face was blushing red. She did love compliments, especially from her loyal subjects. "I'm just a princess, nothing more.  
I'm here for the ponies."  
"Uh, hey? What about me?" Dollar called out to the Princess from under Queen Chrysalis' body. "I need some help too. So hurry it up with the magic, already!"  
"What you need," said Celestia, no longer happy with this pony, "is some time. Time to think about how you betrayed not only me, but the good ponies of Equestria!  
You were willing to sell out your friends just to make it big, weren't you? Well, we shall see how big you are. Behind bars! Get what I'm saying? Huh? Do ya?"  
Back in the bushes, Zecora watched as Celestia used her magic to increase the weight of Queen Chrysalis' flank to smush Dollar into submission.  
"Aaah! Cut it out with the smushing, ya dumb broad! You're squishing my camera! All my photos! Nohoho!"  
"From what I see," said Zecora to a sleeping Spike, "your princess can be rough, when she needs to be."

Spike missed out on the events of the rest of the night. It was past his bedtime, after all.


	5. Chapter 5

Spike awoke with the feeling of someone's hoof resting on his head. When he opened his eyes, Zecora was there by his side.  
"Zecora? When did you get here? Did you sneak in our house when Twilight wasn't looking?"  
"No, my friend," said Zecora. "We are not in your home. The walls you see are of the hut that I own.  
The last time you were in my humble abode...you made off with my possessions and hit the road."  
"Oh yeah," said Spike with a nervous laugh. "I was having some issues with my uh, maturity. But I won't do it again!"  
"Are you sure?"  
"Absolutely posituvely!"  
"Then by your word, you are pure. Rest easy and lie back. While I go to find you a snack."  
"A snack? I am kind of hungry. I could sure go for a...whoa!"  
It just hit him: the cupcake he'd left back at Sugarcube Corner was now up for grabs. Though Mr. Cake did promise to give it back to him,  
he didn't want to risk losing it to some other pony.  
"I got to go!"  
Spike jumped off of the straw hammock and ran out the door.  
"Thanks for the hospitality," said Spike to the zebra as he took off running into the Everfree Forest. "See ya later, Zecora!"  
Meanwhile, at Sugarcube Corner, Mr. Carrot Cake was on the phone with a customer.  
He was having a hard time for he wasn't sure of the order he was writing down.  
"What's that? You said you wanted a Mocha Chocolate Eclair filled with whipped cream? Are you sure this isn't a prank?"  
"No," said the pony on the phone. "This is an honest-to-goodness order! Send it to this address..."  
As Mr. Cake wrote down the address on a slip of paper, Spike rushed in the door, his face twisted in a panic.  
"Cupcake? Cupcake? Where are you? It's me, Spike! I'm here to save you! With my mouth!" Upon seeing Mr. Cake, Spike flew to him with flailing arms.  
"Mr Cake! I got to have it!"  
"Yes, yes," said Mr. Cake on the phone, "we'll be there soon. Delivery in under thirty minutes or less! Okay, bye! What is it, Spike?"  
"My cupcake! Do you still have it?"  
"Well, of course I do, Spike. I said I'd save it for you, didn't I?"  
After placing the slip of paper with the order on the counter, Mr. Cake reached under it to get the box. Spike's mouth was watering as he waited impatiently  
to receive his tasty, cupcakey delight.  
"I can taste it now. Its creamy flavor, the gemstones...oh, I can't take it!"  
"Sorry, Spike. I'm not sure what happened, but...it's gone!"  
"What? No! It can't be!"  
"I don't know where it could've...oh, that's right. I ate it!"  
When he heard the words come out of Mr. Cake's mouth, Spike's world went black, white, and red for exactly ten seconds.  
"Y..you what?"  
"Guess I was so darn hungry last night that I couldn't help myself. Sorry!"  
Spike sighed. "It's okay. It's not like I needed it or anything." But after the night he'd had, the little dragon felt like he did need that cupcake to make up for it.  
"I'd be happy to whip up another cupcake for you, right after I deliver this order."  
Mr. Cake went to the oven, opened it, and pulled out a baby blue box. The top of it was transparent. Thinking the sight of food might quell his hunger,  
Spike decided to have a peek at the box's contents.  
"What is it, Mr. Cake? Can I eat it?"  
"No, Spike. This is what a customer just ordered. A Mocha Chocolate Eclair with whipped cream.  
I made it in advance, in case a certain pony called in asking for it, again."  
"A certain pony?"  
"I don't have time to explain, Spike. All I know is, I've got an eclair and more than enough time to catch a jolly prankster in the act. I'll be back soon, Spike!"  
Mr. Cake placed the box on his back. Then he ran out of the store. Just then, Mrs. Cake came downstairs, curious to find out what all the hubbub was about.  
"What's going on, Spike," she asked. "Did my dear Carrot Cake just take off?"  
"Yeah," said Spike. "He said he was trying to catch somepony in the act or something."  
"Oh, dear. Not again! He'll run himself ragged trying to catch that scoundrel."  
"Scoundrel? Who is this guy, Mrs. Cake?"  
"A bad pony who thinks sending me and my beloved Carrot on fake deliveries is funny. But enough about that.  
Spike, that...thing you and the Princess were working on the other day.."  
"The computer?" Spike totally forgot about it. He'd left it on after leaving for the Everfree Forest last night.  
"Yes. I'm not sure if it's okay, but it has been making this scary *ping* sound all morning."  
A *ping* sound? That could only mean one thing, Spike thought. "Uh, I think I know how to fix it, Mrs. Cake!"  
Spike ran for the stairs and went up them, heading for the room. He kicked the door open and got to the computer screen  
just in time to see another date request window pop up on top of another.  
"Oh, baby! Look at all of them! I wonder which pony I'll click on first?"  
Moving the mouse down the list of requests, Spike saw multiple date requests from a lot of mares. As happy as he was, Spike's excitement  
didn't last long. For he soon noticed that most of them had withdrawn their request hours ago.  
"If only I got here sooner! There's got to be one pony who still wants to hang with Spike, the Uber Sexy Dragon. Aha!"  
At the bottom of the page, there was one date request that had not been cancelled.  
"Huh, it says her name is: CutieRudi1000. I'll just click this and..."  
Spike clicks on the 'ACCEPT DATE REQUEST' choice under CutieRudi1000's request, causing a new window with a Chat Box to pop-up.  
Though the page said that the pony was offline now, two comments were already in the box.  
"Two comments. First one says: 'Looking for a good stallion. One who can get the job done, if ya'll know what I mean.' Hm!"  
With a raised eyebrow, Spike grinned. Sounds like this pony wants a real man, Spike thought.  
"Next comment says: 'Anypony who wants to apply..please come to Canterlot...in the back streets of the city.' That's a weird place to meet up."  
Spike thought about it for a second. Why would anypony want to meet him in the back streets of Canterlot?  
Perhaps the mare was of the upper class and didn't want to be seen in public with a low class stallion by her side?  
"Yeah, that's it! And if that's the case, I'm gonna need some fancy duds if I want to impress her."  
Spying a mirror on the wall, Spike stepped out of his chair and posed in front of it.  
"If I can wow her with my style, she'll probably forget that I'm not rich and I'm a dragon living with a purple pony in a treehouse library...in Ponyville.  
Hmm. Maybe I should keep that to myself. If I screw up, the Princess won't count it as a date."  
He left right away for Canterlot, but not before stopping by his home pick up his best red bow tie. While he was there, he caught a glimpse of Twilight  
taking a nice nap on the floor. Tucked under her arm was Owlowiscious, who also was asleep. She must've wrestled the poor owl to the floor and passed out,  
Spike thought. When he got to Canterlot, it took some effort to persuade the guards at the gate that he was a friend of Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's number one pupil. But when Shining Armor, head of the royal guards, showed up, he let Spike through.  
"Thanks for the help," said Spike to Shining Armor as they walked side by side. "Those guys are real stiffs, huh?"  
"It's not their fault," replied Shining Armor. "They've been working overtime. We've been trying to catch a dastardly villain known as the 'J-man'."  
"The 'J-man'? Who's that?"  
"We don't know. J-man is the codename we've given this pony. He's been desecrating the royal grounds for weeks.  
He...throws a strange goop on the castle walls, in the royal garden, and on anypony he meets. We've cleaned up blue goop, red goop, even green goop!  
When I tried to chase after him he threw some of the gunk in my hair."  
Shining Armor dug his hoof in his hair, then pulled it out. As he did, a long line of slime oozed out on his hoof. Spike, needless to say, was disgusted.  
"Eww! What is that?"  
"I don't know. I've attempted to remove it from my mane three times, already."  
"Hey," said Spike with an idea, "I'm just curious but...is it stretchable and squeezable?"  
"Yeah."  
"...bounceable, ploppable, stuff?"  
"I think so, Spike."  
"Then...wouldn't that make it GAK?"  
Upon the mention of the word, Shining Armor put a hoof to Spike's lips.  
"Quiet, Spike! Don't ever say that word! Celestia's got a law pertaining to its use here in Canterlot. Punishment ranges from serving time in jail to...death."  
Spike gulped. "I guess that's one word I'll never say again, huh?"  
Shining Armor nodded. "Eeyup."  
After saying goodbye to Shining Armor, Spike was on his way again. He walked through the city streets of Canterlot, admiring the fantastic,  
lavish architecture of the buildings and the fanciful ponies trotting down the cobblestone roads. He sighed, wishing he were one of them as he passed it all by.  
When he suddenly found himself no longer in the company of other ponies, he knew he'd made it to the backstreets of Canterlot. The buildings were nice,  
but there was a fog in the air. The cloudy skies let on that it might rain soon. And some trash cans had been tipped over and left to lie on the road.  
The trash from those cans littered both sides of the street. This place was the pits. No pony of Hoity-Toity's caliber would be caught dead out here.  
"This place really is a dump," said Spike. "But it's still a lot better than the Everfree Forest."  
He kicked a ball of garbage aside. Then he went to a street corner and stood next to a street light. The lantern in it burned brightly in the fog, making the street corner he was on one of the only places anypony would be able to see in this weather. It was the perfect place to wait for his date.  
"Won't be long now. Come on, CutieRudi1000. Come to Spikehead."  
Out from the dim air of the fog, Spike hears a sound. It was the sound of somepony's voice. A voice that was getting closer...and louder.  
"Soooo-weeee! Here pony, pony, pony!"  
"W-who's out there," said Spike.  
"Why, there is somepony out here," said the voice. "Come on, ya'll! I'm here fer' ya! Soooo-weeeee!"  
"Here for what? Hold on. Hey! Are you CutieRudi1000?"  
Out from the blurry fog came a pony with the look and smell of a bonafide hillbilly. He wore a green turnip hat and a shirt stained with blotches of dirt.  
He threw his head back to keep the hair from his mullet out of his eyes. And when he lay his eyes on Spike, he smiled to show his jagged buck teeth.  
"Well, tart me up and throw me in the toaster," said the stallion in a country accent. "Spike! What in the name o' mayonays are ya'll doing here in Canterlot?"  
Though Spike had heard his every word, he wasn't sure what to say. He knew this pony as Hayseed Turnip Truck. He first met the pony at that big hoedown  
back in Ponyville. He never forgave him for dancing the night away with Rarity. Though it was obvious to everypony that Rarity had no interest whatsoever  
in the guy, Spike was the only one to think otherwise.  
"Hey, what's with the sour face, Spikey? Cat got yer tongue? Don't ya'll worry! That cat's as good as dinner. And that's some fine eating, right there!  
All's ya need is some of my great granny's special sauce, and then...oooh weeee!"  
"What are you doing here, Hayseed," said an annoyed Spike. "You don't live in Canterlot."  
"Well, shoot! I know that! I was just here doing my job. And now it's done!"  
"Then can you go somewhere else? I'm waiting for somepony here. And I'd like it if she met me...and not you."  
"Hey, hey! Weren't ya'll holding out fer' some fella? By the name of CutieRudi1000?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Thaaaaat's ME!"  
Spike's mouth hung open. "No."  
"Yeasssss!"  
"That can't be true!"  
"But it is, pardner!"  
Hayseed put his arms around Spike and gave him a painfully strong hug.  
"I'm yer date! But there's something I got to know, pal: what makes ya'll so sexy, anyway? Or is your online name a typo?"  
Spike was dumbstruck. How did a hillbilly pony like him have an Internet connection?  
"Stop! Let go of me!" After a bit of struggling, Spike wriggled out from the grip of Hayseed's arms. He knew he was a strong hillbilly pony.  
But not so strong that he'd be able to choke him close to death.  
"I'm sorry, Hayseed," said Spike, "but I was expecting a pretty girl. Not a buddy!"  
"Come on, Spikey," said Hayseed. "We'll have a rootin' tootin humdinger of a time! And it's not like I asked ya'll out on a real date.  
I wanted to hang with my old pal, Spikey!"  
"Hang out?" Spike groaned. So this one wasn't a real date, either. But he was determined to make it count. He sighed and said,  
"Sure, why not? I'll hang out with you, if you agree to tell Princess Celestia that this was an actual date. Deal?"  
"I dunno why yer bringing the Princess into this but, deal! Haaaaach...puuh!" Hayseed had spat a big loogie of spit on his hoof and handed it to Spike.  
"What'd you do that for?"  
"Why, to seal the deal! All's you got to do is shake my hoof. That'll seal the deal!"  
Spike wanted to get closer to going out with Rarity so bad. But he was repulsed by the thought of shaking Hayseed's hoof. It was not only covered in dirt,  
but grime, slime, and a million germs Spike could see with the naked eye.  
"I...I can't do it!"  
Hayseed retracted his handshake and said, "No handshake, no deal!"  
"Oh, please! Isn't there something else we could do to uh, 'seal the deal'?"  
"Well, I reckon there is one thing you can do. Keep an open mind 'fore I tell ya, okay?"  
Spike nodded. "Sure. Okay."  
"Good. So all's I need you to do is close yer eyes..."  
Spike did as Hayseed said, listening to his every word. "Close my eyes..."  
"...lean in to me..."  
"Lean in to you..."  
"Put yer hands on my face..."  
He was reluctant to, but Spike did it.  
"...hands on face..."  
"and let me give ya a quick smooch!"  
"And let you give me a quick..WHAT?!"

And just like that, things got weird. Spike tore his hands from Hayseed's face and stepped back.  
"Just a quick one, pardner," Hayseed assured him. "No homo intended!"  
There was no way in Tartarus that Spike was okay with letting this pony kiss him. He was saving himself for Rarity.  
"No! Nu-uh! Not even if you paid me a million gold bits!"  
Despite Spike's protests, Hayseed leaned in and tried to kiss him. The little dragon was backed up against the steel of the street light pole,  
being inches away from a life-scarring kiss.  
"Mwah! Mwah!"  
"Aaaah! Back off!"  
With no other alternative, Spike expelled a big burst of fire from his mouth. The blast of flames pushed the hillbilly back on his hind legs and onto the ground.  
Spike took this chance to run. Hayseed was left in a daze from taking a burst of Spike's fire in the face. But he shook it off and quickly ran after the little dragon.  
"Spikey! Where in the hay are ya'll going? Get back here and seal this deal with a kiss!"  
"I changed my mind," Spike shouted back to him. "I'm going back to Ponyville! See ya never, Hayseed!"  
Soon Spike had left the foggy backstreets and made it back to the main streets of Canterlot. It was getting late. And there were a lot less ponies walking the roads. But he didn't care. He had to get some help. Seeing the nearest pony, Spike purposely runs into him, knocking off the top hat he wore on his head.  
"I say," said the upper class stallion, "watch where you are going, dear boy!"  
"Help," said Spike on his knees. "There's this guy...he's crazy and...he wants to kiss me!"  
The stallion picked up his top hat and turned his nose up at the little dragon.  
"I, the great Caesar, shall not be a part of your...peasantly problems! Good day."  
Then Caesar trotted away. He was no help. But maybe the next pony would be? Seeing a mare coming out of a fancy dress boutique,  
Spike changes his approach and runs up to her with tears in his eyes.  
"Please, lady! You got to help me! There's a maniac after me, and he's crazy!"  
"Eww," said the stuck-up mare. "Away with you, urchin! I do not associate with common folk like you."  
She trotted away, her nose held up in the air at him, just like the last pony.  
None of them would raise a hoof to help Spike out. He should've known this would happen. All ponies in Canterlot are like that.  
"Yeah. All ponies here are like that," said Spike. "Except..."  
"SPIIKE!"  
Hayseed's voice boomed over the thoughts in his mind. Spike had got an idea. But he had to do it right. Otherwise, he'd be smooching that pony's lips.  
Instead of running away, he stopped to wait for Hayseed. When he got close, Spike changed his demeanor entirely.  
"Hey, Hayseed! Where'd you go? I was looking for you."  
"Spikey! Ya'll done gone and tuckered me out! I don't know if I still wants to kiss ya."  
"Really? That's great!"  
"Woop! Just changed mah mind! When a pony from my family wants to seal a deal, it's got to be sealed! Sorry!"  
"Are you sure you want to do this?"  
"Crystal!"  
"Okay. I'll do it...on one condition."  
"Whazzat? A condition? Name it!"  
"I need you to say...no, more like scream out a word for me. And do it in that good ol' country accent you do so well."  
Spike whispered in his ear the word he wanted him to say. Hayseed nodded, seeing it to be a strange, yet simple request.  
"Odd request ya got there, pardner. But if that's what ya want..."  
Then Hayseed Turnip Truck took a deep breath. He opened his mouth and shouted out one single word...  
...a word so loud that everypony in a five mile radius would hear it.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAKEEEEEE! GAAAAAAAKEEEEEE! Come on home, GAAAAAAAK!"

He said the word not once, not twice, but three times. Fan-bucking-tastic. Spike folded his arms and smiled. It was done.  
"There," said Hayseed. "Now ya'll gots to kiss me!"  
"Wait a sec, Hayseed. What would you say if I got another pony to kiss you in my place?"  
Hayseed thought about the idea. Then he said, "I don't know. Where is she? Is she purdy?"  
"He...is standing right next to you."  
Hayseed then turned to see the angry face of Shining Armor. He was accompanied by a large group of royal guards.  
The hillbilly pony didn't like the way they were staring at him with their bloodshot eyes.  
"Say fellas," said Hayseed with a nervous smile. "What's wrong?"  
"What is wrong," said Shining Armor, "is that you've broken Celestian Rule No# 147! Speaking the forbidden word!"  
"Whahuh? But I didn't say no bad words! All I said was..."  
"GAK. You said GAK. Is that not right? Are you calling me a fool? In front of my men?"  
"No, I..."  
"Boys! Arrest him and take him to the Princess!" The royal guards under Shining Armor's command saluted him and said, "YES SIR!"  
Then they took Hayseed by the arms and carried him away.  
"Hold on, fellas! Don't take me to the Princess! Don't ya'll know what she'll do to me?"  
"Tell me," asked Shining Armor with a cruel smile. "Do you like fun? The Princess loves fun. Especially with bad ponies like you.  
I can already tell you're going to have a real good time with the Princess."  
Shining Armor's words sent Hayseed into a fit of hysteria.  
"No! No! I don't want to see the Princess! No! Let me go! Noooooo!"  
And then he was gone. Carted off to Celestia's castle by the royal guards. Spike sighed.  
"I know it was wrong to turn Shining Armor and the royal guards on the guy. But he left me no choice."  
Since he didn't 'seal the deal' with Hayseed, Spike knew this little outing of his wouldn't count as a date. And because his actions put Hayseed in custody, he  
guessed the pony would squeal to the Princess about what had happened and get him in trouble. He wasn't bothered by the trouble he'd be in. He was more concerned with the day he'd wasted running from that pony. He sighed. Seeing no reason to be in Canterlot any longer, Spike left for Ponyville just as the full moon had risen and went back home to Twilight. When he entered the treehouse, he saw that she was still asleep on the floor. Owlowiscious, however, was back on his perch, hooing the night away, as usual. Spike wanted to move Twilight up to her bed on the second floor, but he now lacked the strength to do it thanks to Hayseed's chase. So he picked up a stray blanket, threw it over Twilight's body, then snuggled under the warmth of her arm.  
"What a day," said Spike. "But it's good to be home. Night, Twilight."

Spike then felt the embrace of Twilight's arm get a little tighter and smiled.


	6. Chapter 6

Soon enough, it was the next day. The sun was high in the sky. And it was about noon. Spike wiped his eyes and sat up, a happy feeling in his belly.  
He must've slept well last night, he thought.  
"I wonder what I dreamt about. Hey, Twilight!"  
He searched for the face of his best friend, but she was nowhere near. He did find a sticky note she'd left for him at the door.  
He pulled it off and read it aloud: "Dear Spike, went to visit Princess Celestia to apologize for not being available before. I've written a ten-page apology  
to help my case. Be back soon. Love, Twilight. Hm. I wanted to ask her how she got Owlowiscious to stop shredding her books, but I guess I'll ask her later."  
He had other stuff to do today. Like getting back to the computer to check on his date requests. Though he his day with Hayseed didn't count,  
Spike wasn't too discouraged. He still had one date down, and four to go. And he had a good feeling about the next one.  
"Cause the third time's the charm," he said on his way to Sugarcube Corner.  
He got there in record time, just under ten minutes. He refrained from going in when he heard the sound of somepony shouting inside.  
"Huh, who's that?"  
Spike opened the door to see Mr. Cake pacing the floor and his wife trying to calm him down. He was holding onto some slips of paper in his hooves.  
As he read off the names written on them, the stallion threw each piece of paper over his shoulder.  
"Look at all these fake orders! Hugh Jabutt...Dick Hertz...I.C. Wiener? What the hay is wrong with ponies today?! Aaaaghh!"  
"There, there dear," said Mrs. Cake. "You shouldn't let it get you so worked up. If you give in to their pranks, you'll be the one who loses."  
"I just can't take it, sweetie! These fake orders are getting in the way of real orders. We waste food with fake orders and time by going to a fake address in the next town, and I've had it! Who is doing this to us? Who hates us?"  
"Nopony hates us, dear!"  
"We don't know that for sure, snookums. Oh, what could we have possibly done to deserve this?"  
Then the phone rings over the sound of Mr. Cake's bellowing. Spike, being the closest to it, picks up the receiver.  
"Uh, hello? Sugarcube Corner. Spike speaking." He listened intently to the words of the other pony on the line.  
"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You want a Chocolate Expressway Cake with double fudge and whipped cream icing on top? Okay. Where are you?  
The Ponyville Schoolhouse? Who is this?"  
Overhearing Spike conversation on the phone, Mr. Cake wiped the tears from his eyes.  
"That order...it's one of his orders!"  
"Huh," said Spike to the caller. "Hugh Jabutt? That's a weird name."  
Upon hearing the name, Mr. Cake's nostrils flared. He rushed over to Spike, snatched the phone out of his hand, and shouted in the receiving end.  
"YOU LITTLE PUNK! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! And rest assured mister, I am coming FOR YOU!"  
*Click!* Whoever was on the other end had hung up.  
"Hello? Hello! Pick up the phone, you monster! AAAAGH!"  
Mr. Cake slammed the phone back on the hook and left the store in a huff. Mrs. Cake chased after him, worried about his safety.  
"Honey, wait! Don't go! You're going to get hurt!"  
"Stay out of this, dear," ordered Mr. Cake. "I have to teach this punk a lesson!"  
Minutes later, Mrs. Cake came back in. By the look on her face, Spike could tell she was troubled.  
"What happened, Mrs. Cake?"  
"I couldn't stop him, Spike. He took off! Oh, dear! This prankster has been nothing but trouble since we started getting his fake orders.  
Whoever this pony is, he must be stopped!"  
"Do you think Mr. Cake will catch the guy?"  
Mrs. Cake sighed. "I don't think so. We don't know where he is. He may not be at the schoolhouse when my dear Carrot gets there."  
Spike mashed his knuckles together and said, "You can't give up hope, Mrs. Cake! There must be somepony who could catch this guy."  
Spike's support then gave the mare an ingenious idea.  
"Catch him? Catch...him! That's it, Spike!"  
"What's it?"  
"We have to bring this scoundrel to justice! You and I will catch this criminal ourselves!"  
A hunt for a prankster? This wasn't how the little dragon wanted to start his day. He hadn't checked on his new date requests yet.  
"Uh, can't you get somepony else to help, Mrs. Cake?"  
"But Spike," pleaded Mrs. Cake, "I can't do it myself! And I don't know if I can find anypony that's as smart and witty as you."  
Flattery like that made Spike blush. But it didn't change his mind.  
"I didn't get the cupcake I was promised, yesterday. And I didn't go out on a date with anypony that counted for my date total since I was with the Princess.  
I'm not using today to look for some prank order pony I don't know or care about!"  
"Date? Why, Spike! You've been going on dates? With actual ponies?"  
From her tone, Spike could see that she doubted him. "Yes, with actual ponies! The Princess can vouch for that."  
"Well, how does a date with me sound?"  
"A date with you?" Spike couldn't believe his scaly ears. "Aren't you married, Mrs. Cake?"  
"Yes, but it won't be anything serious," she said. "Picture it, Spike: a candlelit dinner for two, right here at midnight. Just me and you and a small strawberry shortcake. I doubt my husband will say no to the idea once we take care of that pony for him. And as a bonus, I'll throw in that cupcake my husband lost track of."  
At first, the little dragon felt some apprehension to her proposal. But then again, a date with Mrs. Cake would certainly count toward his date total. He'd have two out of five done, with only three to go. That reason, plus the reason that Mrs. Cake was a friend to Pinkie Pie was why. Letting her down would be like letting Pinkie down.  
The shame would last FOREVER!  
"I suppose it's an offer I can't refuse," said Spike.  
"Spike," said Mrs. Cake gushing with joy, "you've made me the happiest mare in the world!"  
"So how will we catch him, Mrs. Cake," asked Spike. "Mr. Cake may be old, but's he's still in his prime. If he couldn't catch up with this mystery pony, how can we?"  
"By calling on the citizens of Ponyville to join our cause. If we can get in contact with some of our usual customers, we'll be able to form a chain of communications that will monitor the neighborhood."  
"Right," added Spike. That was actually a good idea. When did she come up with it, he thought. "And if somepony sees anypony acting suspicious..."  
"We'll get a phone call letting us know where that pony is,'' finished Mrs. Cake.  
"I like this plan!"  
"Me too! But first, get me the phone, Spike. We've got to round up some help."  
And so, Mrs. Cake called a number of ponies. From Caramel to Creme Brulee, to Snips and Snails and Chocolate Tail, she contacted everypony  
on their list of customers. On her last call, she hung up the phone and said, "Now we wait for the call."  
"From who," asked Spike.  
"The perp."  
Spike and Mrs. Cake didn't have to wait long. For ten minutes later, the phone rang. Mrs. Cake picked it up and spoke casually with the pony on the other end.  
"Uh-huh. I see. A Double-Sided Cake with Vanilla Frosting and Jellybeans on Top? We haven't made that order in awhile. And your name is? Phil Uranus? Okay."  
After writing down the fake address on a slip of paper, Mrs. Cake hung up. Then she balled up the paper and stomped on it.  
"I wonder," asked Spike, "how long it'll take for somepony to spot the guy?"  
"Not too long, I hope," replied Mrs. Cake. "Would you like some chocolate muffins? A little pegasus ordered them yesterday, but never showed up to get them."  
"Sure, I could eat."  
Mrs. Cake went to the fridge behind the counter and took out a tray of cold muffins. She set it on a table and pulled up two chairs.  
Once she and Spike sat down, they began to feast on the muffiny delicacies. It was when Spike was on his third muffin that the phone rang.  
"Mmm? Mrs. Cake! The phone!" He tried to jump out of his seat and reach the receiver, but tripped over one of the table's legs and fell down.  
"It's alright, Spike," said Mrs. Cake. "I've got it."  
She went to the phone and picked it up. Spike watched as Mrs. Cake nodded with every word she heard on the phone. When she hung up,  
Spike was on his feet again. He patted his belly.  
"I really got to start working out," he said. "So what's the sitch, Mrs. Cake?"  
"We've got a lead, Spike," she said with a balled up hoof. "A good one! According to Snips and Snails, there's been a pony entering and leaving Mayor Mare's office  
on a daily basis. They say they saw him go in her office ten minutes ago."  
"Mayor Mare's office? Could the Mayor be in on it?"  
"Let's find out. Get on my back, Spike. We've got a prankster to catch!"  
Spike mounted Mrs. Cake. Then she let out a powerful neigh and ran out the store. Mrs. Cake was fast for her age, Spike thought.  
For they made it to Mayor Mare's office with time to spare. Standing at the front door, Spike wanted to ask Mrs. Cake what the plan was.  
Mrs. Cake however, didn't have a plan of action. She trotted to the door and karate kicked it open. This act of rashness was a big shock to Spike.  
"Mrs. Cake! What are you doing? We just lost the element of surprise!"  
"Sorry, Spike," said Mrs. Cake. "But I can't waste any time. For all we know, that prankster's in there making another prank order.  
If we can catch him in the act...then we can prove he did it!"  
Seeing no flaw in her reasoning, Spike threw caution to the wind and followed Mrs. Cake in. The main hall had doors on both sides. So the two split up and barged into every one. They searched all the rooms, finding no pony. At the hall's end, there was only one door left. It had to be Mayor Mare's office.  
Mrs. Cake put a hoof on Spike's back.  
"This has to be the one. Ready, Spike?"  
"Yeah. Let's do this!"  
With all their might, Spike and Mrs. Cake kicked down the door. What they came across was Mayor Mare...all tied up in her personal armchair.  
Standing next to her with a phone in her hoof was a mare shrouded in a black cloak.  
"Not so fast," said Spike. "You're not going anywhere!"  
The mare tried to run for an open window, but Mrs. Cake got to it first.  
"This is for all the pain you've caused me and my husband!" She bent her hooves into a crouched state, then gave the mare the most painful headbutt imaginable, knocking the mare flat on her back. The cloak had flown off from the attack, revealing the mare's secret identity. Even without her signature hat on, Spike knew who this mare was. "Is that...Trixie!?"  
"That's The Great and Powerful Trixie to you, you pathetic little dragon!"  
Not ready to accept defeat, Trixie raised her horn to Spike. It began to fill with energy. But before she could use a spell, Mrs. Cake had one of her arms around her head. Trixie tried to get out of it, but the power of Mrs. Cake's headlock was too much for her.  
"Agh! Let me go, you old bag!"  
"Who are you calling old?! I'm well under thirty years old, young lady!"  
"But I'm innocent! I've done nothing wrong, as you can see."  
"Not true," said the esteemed Mayor Mare as Spike untied her from the armchair. "You not only broke into my office,  
you tied me up and used my official landline to make unauthorized phone calls."  
"I knew I should've gotten rid of you when I had the chance!"  
Mayor Mare gasped. Spike patted her on the back to calm her. "Don't worry, Mayor. She can't hurt you anymore. Go on and call the cops."  
"Right, I shall do that...immediately!"  
Mayor Mare picked up the phone and started to dial it. Then Trixie cried out, "My plan...my beautiful plan...ruined! How did you losers find out I was here?"  
"You got sloppy," said Mrs. Cake as she used her good arm to choke Trixie more. "Somepony spotted you coming in here. That's how we caught you. Now that you've nowhere to run, why don't you tell me why. Why the fake orders, Trixie? Why did you always order something nopony would usually pick off the menu?"  
"I...gaaac! I couldn't pick any..ugh! Simple-minded confectionary delight! I wanted you to bake something that would take a painstakingly amount of effort!  
To hurt you more!"  
"And the names and addresses? Each one was fake! Me and my dear Carrot Cake only went to those places to see if one of them was real."  
"It was genius," said Trixie. "The fake orders, the fake addresses, and the icing on the cake...the fake names! All part of my master plan!  
Gah! Could you loosen your grip, already!?"  
Spike was confused. "Plan? And what plan would that be?"  
"To get back at Twilight Sparkle, you fool!"  
"At Twilight? The only ones you've hurt are the Cake family!"  
Trixie sighed. "Such a peabrain like you could never see the greatness of my plan. I'd be happy to dumb it down for you if a certain somepony  
could LET...ME...GO!"  
"If you promise not to run away," said Mrs. Cake in her ear, "then okay."  
Mrs. Cake complied and let Trixie go. The unicorn pony fell to her knees and reached for her windpipe, gasping for air.  
"Such a brute! You've got some serious man hooves, lady!"  
"Start explaining, Trixie!"  
"Grrr! My plan was to get back at Twilight...by getting back at the Cake family! By sending them prank orders, they would soon lose their minds, go out of business, and kick Pinkie Pie out! I'd get rid of one of Sparkle's closest friends, thereby getting ME one step closer to having my full revenge on that loathesome loser!  
And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling..."  
Before she could finish her rant, two pony cops in blue burst in on the scene.  
"Mayor Mare," said the first cop, "are you okay?"  
"I'm fine," said the Mayor to the officer. "Now please, take Ms. Trixie away. Put her in solitary confinement!"  
The two cops saluted the Mayor and pushed Trixie to the floor. They handcuffed her hooves and took her away as she grumbled under her breath.  
"She won't be in jail long. But I'll have her put on probation so she won't go anywhere in Ponyville without supervision. Thank you two for the help."  
"Anytime, Mayor," said Spike with pride.  
"It was our pleasure," said Mrs. Cake. "Let's go back to Sugarcube Corner, Spike. I'm sure my dear Carrot is back by now."  
Surely enough, on returning to Sugarcube Corner, Spike and Mrs. Cake saw Mr. Cake waiting for them. He was sitting at the table where they'd previously sat, chewing on a chocolate muffin.  
"There you two are! Mmm! And where have you been?"  
"Honey," said Mrs. Cake, "I've got news!"  
"Whatever it is, I hope it's good news."  
Mrs. Cake and Spike told Mr. Cake everything about Trixie and her 'Master Plan'. Then Mr. Cake told the story of how his day went. After he'd stormed off  
to the Ponyville Schoolhouse, he started shaking down the colts and fillies for the identity of the prank order pony as they were leaving school.  
He ended his story with a stamped official document from the Ponyville Courthouse.  
"It's a restraining order," he told them, "from Ms. Cherilee. I don't see what the big deal was. All I did was put her in a cross-arm piledriver!"  
Mrs. Cake and Spike laughed. Then the two married ponies embraced in a loving hug. Spike decided then to leave. He didn't want to bring up the issue of his date now, as this was a tender moment for the married couple. He was back home just as the sun had began to set. As he walked in the treehouse, he smiled when he saw Twilight. She was busy using her magic to re-organize her bookshelves.  
"Twilight," Spike said to her, "you're here!"  
"Well yeah, Spike," replied Twilight. "Why wouldn't I be?"  
"Oh, right. Heh, heh."  
"Did you have some fun on your recent date?"  
"So the Princess told you, huh?"  
"Yep. And my apology worked! I'll be helping to re-organize the shelves of the Royal Library tomorrow, by the way. So how was your day?"  
"It's a long story. It all started two days ago when you were taking care of the Owlowiscious problem, and..."  
A knock on the door interrupted Spike's story. Spike opened it to see Mrs. Cake standing in the doorway.  
"Mrs. Cake," said a confused Twilight. "What are you doing here so late?"  
"Oh, please forgive my intrusion," said Mrs. Cake to Twilight, "but I came to pick up my dear Spike. We have a date."  
"A-what now?"  
Spike had completely forgotten about the deal he'd made with Mrs. Cake. "Hey, yeah! The date! Are you sure Mr. Cake's ok with it?"  
"Okay with it? My lovely Carrot is all for it, Spike. Shall we go?"  
Mrs. Cake offered her arm to the little dragon and he took ahold of it under his own.  
"Uh-huh! It's cake time!"  
Twilight watched as Spike and Mrs. Cake strolled down the lane to Sugarcube Corner. Once they got there, they sat down to a nice candlelit dinner  
to share the strawberry shortcake Mrs. Cake had promised. Although she offered to bake Spike that cupcake, he denied the offer. To him, sharing a delicious confection with a good friend was way more better than some dumb old cupcake.

This was, in the end, a good day for him, concluded Spike. Only three dates to go until Rarity would be within reach, he thought.


	7. Chapter 7

After eating most of the cake, Spike chose to spend the night at the Cake residence. Mr. and Mrs. Cake set up a mattress in the room where he'd helped Princess  
Celestia set up the computer, so that's where he slept. The very next day, he was awoken by something bouncing on his bed. He pulled the covers over his head, hoping he was dreaming it. When he rubbed his eyes, he saw a pink object going up and down at his feet. Spike sighed. Pinkie Pie was bouncing on his bed.  
"Spike! Spike! Spike!"  
"Good morning, Pinkie" groaned Spike. "Could you stop...doing that?"  
"Whaaat? I...woo! Can't...yippee! Hear ya! Woohoo!"  
"This isn't going to stop anytime soon, is it Pinkie?"  
"I'll stop bouncing...when you stop sleeping!"  
Knowing how stubborn Pinkie Pie could be, Spike gave up. He got out of bed and went to the computer. Maybe he got another date request, today?  
"Hopefully I got one from Rarity," muttered Spike.  
"Got what from Rarity," asked Pinkie Pie. "A pie? A dress?"  
"No, Pinkie," explained Spike, "a date request. With this computer, I've been using the Internet to go on dates with other ponies so I can eventually  
get a date with Rarity."  
"The Internet? And a dating site? Ohhhh! I get it!"  
There was a silence that followed the end of Pinkie's sentence. Spike took it as an obvious sign and said,  
"You don't have the slightest clue what the Internet is, do you, Pinkie Pie?"  
The playful pony shook her head. "Nope!"  
Spike sighed. He wanted to tell it the way Princess Celestia told him, but he didn't have the words for it. He suspected that most of the words she'd used to explain the Internet to him were from a royal vocabulary used by high-class ponies. He powered on the computer. The Desktop loaded and Spike clicked on the Internet Explorer Pony icon. After typing in the site, he was soon back on Ponies for Lovers dot com. Pinkie watched him do all this while breathing on his shoulder. Spike wanted to point out how annoying this was, but figured Pinkie logic would beat him every time. He tried to ignore Pinkie's presence and logged on to his account.  
Then he clicked on his mail. He scrolled down the page, seeing a long list of expired requests.  
"Man, how can anypony keep up with this," complained Spike. "You'd have to be on the Internet all day and night just to be sure not to miss anything!"  
"I was up all night," said Pinkie Pie, "giggling at some ghosties. It was super fun! You should join me next time, Spike. We'll have a blast!"  
"Ha ha. Sure, Pinkie Pie. Sure."  
Staying up all night laughing at dead trees in a spooky forest. Like I'd ever do that, thought Spike. Somewhere between the mid-to-last request, Spike found an active date request. This one was from...  
"Rainbow Dash? Why is she on this site?"  
Pinkie gasped. "You got a date with Dash? Spike, that's amazing!" Then the pink pony hugged Spike with her super Pinkie powers.  
"When is it? Where is it? Oh, I can't wait! I can follow you and give you pointers, and, and!"  
"Pink...ie! It's not a date!"  
"Huh? Of course it's a date! It's from Rainbow Dash! Doy!"  
"But this is Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie. RAIN-BOW DASH! She doesn't date anypony! She's always trying to protect her coolness and stuff.  
There's got to be a good reason why she emailed me a request."  
After clicking on the request, another window popped up with a Chat Box. It had one comment in it, in the form of a long paragraph.  
"What's it say," asked Pinkie Pie. "What's it say? What? Huh? What?!"  
Without a word, Spike quickly closed the Chat Box. He logged off the site and shut down the computer. Then he said, "We got to go, Pinkie."  
"Go? Where are we going?" Pinkie gasped. "Are we going on your date with Rainbow Dash now?"  
"Stop it, Pinkie! It's not a date! We've got to go!"  
"But where are we going?"  
"To the Ponyville Prison."  
"The Ponyville Prison? Why?"  
"Cause Rainbow Dash is there! Doy!"

The Ponyville Prison.  
Located a few miles from the Ponyville Hospital, it was a simple jailhouse with the capacity to hold twenty-five or so ponies. The building was black and gray and had cracked windows. Neither Spike nor Pinkie had been there before today. Pinkie shuddered as they got closer to the place.  
"I don't like this, Spike. This place feels so...not happy!"  
"It does look," admitted Spike, "kinda scary. B-but we've got to go in there! Rainbow Dash needs our help!"  
Spike took Pinkie's hoof and squeezed it tight. Pinkie wasn't too thrilled to see what a jail was like. Spike had his reservations, too. But they both cared for Rainbow Dash. So they put their fears aside and went on through the double door entrance of the jail. The inside was as bleak as the outside; the carpet was gray, the walls were gray. And the portraits of past police chiefs on the walls? Also gray. At a table, just a few steps from where Spike and Pinkie were, sat a tall stallion with coiffed black hair. His skin was dark gray. His eyes, in contrast, were light blue. His right eye was hidden behind a monocle. And he had both of them fixed on a sheet of paper he was scribbling words on. He ceased his writing when he saw Spike and Pinkie Pie. The pony straightened out his mustache and laughed.  
"Well..hello, hello," said the stallion. "Are some strangers paying me a visit? Welcome to my humble lil' prison. Home to all bad ponies who love breaking the law.  
My name's Morton Shaker. Though back in Appleloosa, they call me Morton "The Salt" Shaker. How can I help you two?"  
"Uh," said a fearful Spike, "Yeah. Me and my friend here.."  
"Hi," said Pinkie with a nervous smile.  
"..are here for a friend of ours. Is Rainbow Dash here?"  
The stallion let out a hearty laugh. "Rain...bow...Dash! It just so happens that I do have her here! Right past this here door."  
Morton Shaker pointed a hoof at the big door behind him.  
"Can we see her?"  
"Course you can. But visiting hours are almost up. So get your butts back there, say something, and get out!"  
"G-Got it!"  
A slightly panicked Spike pulled Pinkie by the hoof to the door on Morton's right. Once they were in, he slammed the door shut.  
"Wow," said Pinkie, "This place is even less happy than the last place! Ugh, my tummy...last time I felt like this was back on the rock farm."  
That's when the two heard somepony call out to them.  
"Hey! Who's there?"  
"Mm? Rainbow Dash?" Pinkie wasn't sure of it, since she was currently running at only thirty-five percent Pinkie Efficiency.  
"You'd better not be joking, mysterious voice!"  
"No, it's really me," replied the pony's voice.  
"Really?"  
"Really, really!"  
"Really, really?"  
The voice groaned. "For the love of Cloudsdale...Pinkie Pie, it's me! Rainbow Dash!"  
"Then why didn't you say so," asked Pinkie Pie.  
Spike and Pinkie ran down rows of jail cells. They soon found her sitting in the fifth jail cell on the right. Her left leg had a shackle on it and there was some weird-colored goop in her hair.  
"Rainbow Dash! We found you!"  
"Took you guys long enough," scoffed Rainbow Dash. "Didn't you get my email, Spike?"  
"I did," said Spike, "but I was kinda skeptical, at first. Can you tell me how you knew I had an email account on a dating site?  
Or how you sent me that email from a jail cell?"  
"Easy! Twilight told me what you were up to yesterday when she got back from Canterlot.  
So I got this guy back here to throw up his laptop..and I don't know why he had it in there...and sent you an email."  
"Makes sense. But...what guy are you talking about?"  
Rainbow Dash shook her head. Then she pulled on the chain on her shackle and said, "Okay, sleepyhead! Wake up!  
My friends are here and I want to show 'em your stupid face! Come on!"  
There seemed to be somepony at the other end of that chain, since Rainbow Dash had to flap her wings for extra power to pull on it. She was slowly dragging this pony out of the shadows.  
"Come...ON!"  
When she pulled him closer, the stallion whimpered. His fairly blonde mane was ruffled. His grey body had Rainbow bruises. And his blue eyes were filled with tears. In his arms, he was clutching onto a broken laptop.  
"P-p-please," he said to Rainbow Dash, "no more pain. No more...please!"  
"Relax, you sissy," said Dash condescendingly, "if I wanted to hurt you more, I'd have done it like, ten times by now."  
Spike was horrified. "Rainbow Dash?! Why'd you beat the poor guy up? What did he ever do to you?"  
"This pony's the reason I'm in here! He threw some of this weird goop in my hair, threw it on everypony else he saw, then he ran right into me!"  
"He threw goop at you," said Spike, recalling seeing the stuff sometime ago. "That means...he's got to be the pony Shining Armor's been looking for!"  
"This guy's been throwing his goop in Canterlot, too?" Rainbow Dash mashed her hooves together and faced the grey pony. "Why I ought to..."  
"Rainbow Dash! Stop!"  
The pegasus turned back to see Pinkie Pie's shining blue eyes on her. "What is it, Pinkie Pie?"  
"Just a sec!" Then Pinkie Pie shoop-de-wooped her head through the bars and took a big lick out of Dash's hair. She licked her lips at the taste.  
"Mmmm! Rainbow Dash, you taste like jelly! Mmmm? Yep! Strawberry jelly!"  
Pinkie saw more of the goop on the cowering pony and used her hoof to take some of it off his flank. He became a little calmer after she did it, for some reason.  
After she pulled her head back out of the bars, Pinkie gave Spike her hoof and said, "Here Spike, try some!"  
Curious of the taste, Spike took some of the red goop off Pinkie's hoof and tasted it. "You're right, Pinkie. It does taste like jelly!"  
"Stop tasting that jelly," said another pony's voice. Spike and Pinkie turned to see Morton Shaker walking up on them. "That there goop is evidence.  
I'm going to need it when I hand these criminals over to Canterlot's royal guards!"  
"Royal guards?"  
"Yep. Mr. Hugh Jelly here is the perpetrator they've been searching high and low for. Once I give him to Canterlot, Celestia will let me go back to Appleloosa.  
The only reason I'm even running this dump is cause of my...lil' mishap with the Princess."  
"Little," said Rainbow Dash with a giggle. "You call throwing the Princess of Equestria out of your bar and into the mud a little mishap?"  
"Shut your trap! It was night! I didn't know it was her! And she was clearly drunk! But that...ain't...the point! I'm getting out of this run-down town, hear me?"  
"We understand if you want to hand this guy over to the royal guard ponies," said Spike. He felt guilty for saying those words, but knew Shining Armor would never be okay with letting criminals escape. "But can you please let our friend go?"  
"No I won't," roared Morton Shaker. "She was arrested for being an accessory to a criminal! My boys caught Miss Dash here with her hooves wrapped around this pony's neck...in a big ol' hug! That proves everything!"  
"What?! I wasn't hugging this guy," claimed Rainbow Dash. "I was choking him for bumping into me. See?" Then Rainbow reached out and put her hooves  
on poor Hugh Jelly's neck.  
"N-no," screamed Hugh Jelly. "Please, n-n-no more pain!"  
"I don't care if you was choking him or not. I only want to sweeten the deal when I give you to the Canterlot guards."  
"You can't do that," shouted Pinkie at the stallion. "She's innocent!"  
"Yeah," agreed Spike. "Let her go!"  
"Or what," said Morton Shaker as his shadow beared down on Spike and Pinkie Pie. Up close, the guy was much more taller than Spike had thought.  
"Ummm...well, we're going to...write a strongly worded letter to the Princess! Right, Pinkie?"  
"Spike," scolded Pinkie, "that's a terrible idea! That's something I'd expect from Twilight!"  
"I don't hear you coming up with anything!"  
"You know how," said Morton Shaker as he primped his coat collar, "I got the strength to throw all those lowlifes out of my bar? Years and years of beating up colts and fillies like you back in Baltimare High School!" Pinkie Pie gulped.  
"Although this'll be my first time trading blows with a dragon, I look forward to the experience. Heh, heh."  
"Can't we talk about this," begged Spike.  
"Words ain't needed, boy. And moving will only make it worse."  
This was it, thought Spike. He and Pinkie were doomed. Rainbow Dash wanted to help them escape a nasty beating. But try as she may, she couldn't break those iron bars. She tried gnawing at the bars, but still had no luck.  
"Spike! Pinkie! Run for it!"  
"The guys are on their donut break," said Morton with a crooked grin. "so nopony will hear you. And there's nowhere to run, cause the only exit is back there.  
You want out? You'll have to get past me."  
"Don't worry, Pinkie," said Spike, "I'll protect you!"  
Acting brave, Spike got in Morton Shaker's path. The sassy stallion laughed at Spike's heroic efforts and landed a hoof on his face.  
He left a nasty bruise on one of Spike's cheeks.  
"Had enough, son?"  
"B...ring...it on," said Spike in pain. Tears were trying to escape his eye sockets. But he wouldn't let that stop him. He raised his arms up to protect his face from any more blows. It was a good move. But Morton was the better fighter. He threw another hoof, this time at Spike's belly. Spike's knees buckled and he lowered his arms, giving Morton the chance to sock him in the face again. A second jab knocked the poor dragon on his side. He held on to his belly in pain, his ribs feeling the burn.  
He couldn't stop the tears from falling. "N-no! S...stop crying! You're a...you're a dragon, for pete's sake!"  
"Spike, stop it," screamed Pinkie Pie. "Don't be a hero!"  
"Yeah, Spike," shouted Rainbow Dash, "stop being stupid!"  
From the ground, he saw Pinkie and Rainbow's faces. They were angry, yet scared, worried that he'd get seriously hurt.  
"What's that, boy," sneered Morton at Spike, "giving up? Fine. Stay down. I'll beat up your friend while you take a nap."  
Spike growled. He wasn't going to let Pinkie or Rainbow Dash get hurt.  
"No...I won't...let you hurt THEM! Yaaaah!" Fueled by his desire to protect his friends, Spike leapt at the stallion and latched his claws on to his face.  
"Aaaah! You lil' gremlin! Get your mitts off of me!"  
Morton threw jabs at Spike's back, trying to get him off. But he endured the pain and held on. Then in a brief moment when the stallion took a break from hitting the dragon in the back, Spike pulled his head back and threw it down on the pony's skull. It was a deadly, close combat headbutt.  
"Aaaagh!"  
And it was super effective on the pony, as Morton stumbled back from the blow and fell to the floor with a heavy thud.  
"You...piece of...uhhh!"  
Morton Shaker had fallen unconscious. Once Spike noticed this, he let go of the stallion's head and lay on his back. Pinkie rushed to his aid.  
She picked up his beaten body and cradled him in her arms.  
"Oh my gosh, Spike! Are you okay? Please, speak to me!"  
Through his battered cheeks, Spike mumbled something in Pinkie's ear. Pinkie gasped and abruptly dropped Spike on his face. She went to the unconscious Morton Shaker and dug through the pockets of his coat. She pulled out a shiny white skeleton key from one of his pockets and ran to Rainbow Dash's jail door, where she inserted the key to unlock it. Once she got it open, Pinkie gave her friend a big hug.  
"Oh, Rainbow Dash," said Pinkie Pie in tears, "I thought you'd be stuck in there forever!"  
"Come on, Pinkie," said Dash as she patted her best gal pal on the back, "it'll take more than bars to hold me!"  
"Uh, guys," said a damaged little dragon. "A little help? I think I'm passing out."  
Both mares gasped and ran to Spike. They hauled him up under their arms and gave him a double hug.  
"You were so brave, Spike," said Pinkie Pie.  
"Yeah," added Rainbow Dash, "you really took a beating back there. You sure you're alright?"  
Spike opened his mouth to talk, but coughed out some of his spit. "I...I'm good, guys. Really! I can handle anything."  
His false bravado made Pinkie and Rainbow hug him even more. They smooshed their faces against his and sighed. Though he'd been badly hurt and their hug was cracking his bones, he didn't want it to stop. For it was a hug of love and friendship. In the corner of his eye, Spike saw Hugh Jelly still in the jail cell.  
He was attempting to break the shackle that held him to Rainbow Dash with a rock.  
"Hey," said Spike, "what're we going to do with this guy?"  
"Him?" Rainbow Dash thought about it. "I don't know. Maybe we should give him to the royal guards. He did throw a lot of jelly at a lot of ponies."  
Then Rainbow, Pinkie, and Spike heard a sound. It was the sound of flapping wings. They looked up to see a grey pegasus, with a blonde mane similar to Hugh Jelly's, fly over their heads. When she landed, she went to the jelly pony and broke the shackle on his leg with a bran muffin. Then she embraced Hugh in her arms.  
He hugged her back and began to cry.  
"Ohh, Derpy," cried Hugh, "you came to rescue me! Thank you, t-thank you!"  
"We're friends," said Derpy. "And you owed me a muffin. So I had to save you." Despite her contradicting words, she started to cry too.  
Spike and company watched as the two hugged out their tears. Then Spike said, "Let's go, guys. I think these two want to be alone."  
Rainbow and Pinkie both nodded. Then the three left the jailhouse and made their way back to Ponyville. Pinkie carried a sleepy Spike on her back, skipping along to a song in her head. Rainbow Dash wanted to fly back to town in ten seconds flat, but she also wanted to stay close to Spike as she feared one of Pinkie's bunny hops would throw the poor guy off.  
"Pinkie Pie, just take a break already and let me carry him!"  
"Uh-uh," said Pinkie, shaking her head. "Spike's doing great back there. Isn't that right, Spike?"  
Too tired to move, Spike could only listen in on Pinkie and Rainbow Dash's exchange. Thinking back to that pony, Hugh Jelly, he sighed. He was okay with letting the pony go now. Spike figured that after all he went through in that jail cell, Hugh wouldn't be so eager to cause another ruckus in Ponyville or Canterlot for awhile.


	8. Chapter 8

"Little dragon boy? Little dragon boy?"  
"W...who's there?"  
Waking up from a deep sleep, Spike opened his eyes to see the face of a pony he didn't know. She was a pony with a white coat, and the hair from her pink mane was in a bun. On her head was a nurse's hat with a red cross on it.  
"Where am I? And who are you?"  
"You're at the Ponyville Hospital, Spike. My name is Nurse Redheart. Me and my good friend, Nurse Tenderheart, have been nursing you back to health."  
"How long was I out for?"  
"You've been out for days, little one," said the mare. "And you were brought here one week ago."  
"I've been here for a week? Oh, man! Twilight's got to be worried sick!"  
"Do not fear, little dragon boy. I'm sure your friend is fine." Spike was still worried. But the nurse's kindly blue eyes made him smile. "Yeah, maybe you're right."  
"Oh, is that a smile I see? Somepony- I mean, dragon wants a hug!"  
The nurse mare put her hooves around Spike's back and hugged him. Spike, no longer in bone-cracking pain, could finally enjoy a hug again.  
Just then, another nurse pony walked in. Nurse Tenderheart had a similar look to Redheart, with her hair in a bun. Except she had a blue coat and green hair.  
She frowned when she saw her fellow nurse in the middle of giving some special treatment to a patient.  
"Hey," said Tenderheart with a frown, "that's no fair! I should get to hug him, too!"  
Tenderheart shoved Redheart to the side and gave Spike an even stronger hug. Spike didn't complain till he needed to breathe.  
"Nurse? Nurse?"  
"Mmmm," cooed Tenderheart, enjoying the hug a little too much. "Aren't you a cutey, wootie, draggie, waggie?"  
"MEDIC!"  
"Oh, sorry, wittle dragon boy," said Tenderheart as she let go of him. "I'm told I often get carried away with my hugs."  
"You don't say...hey, do any of you guys know who dropped me off here?"  
"Why, I believe it was the work of two special mares," said Redheart. "Who were they, again, Tenderheart?"  
"I think they called themselves," guessed Tenderheart, "Pink Eye and Rainbeau Smash?"  
"No, I think it was Inkie Rye and Stayinlow Ash."  
Spike sighed. These mares were clueless. They'd never get their names right. "Uh, excuse me, ladies. Can I go home, now?"  
"Oh no, wittle dragon boy," said Tenderheart still in baby talk style. "You're still vewy hurt and need some of my _tender_ lovin' care."  
"What he needs," said Redheart sternly, "is some _gentle_ lovin' care! I can take care of that without your help, thank you."  
"Nurse Redheart, we were both assigned to take care of him."  
"Well, Nurse Tenderheart," replied Redheart in a catty remark, "I don't think you're the nurse for the job. Perhaps you could go clean out some bedpans?"  
"No thank you," replied Tenderheart in a smug way. "I'm higher in rank than you. So bedpan duty is below me. Why don't you go check on Miss Screw Loose?  
She's been dying to play fetch with you."  
The two mares kept hurling catty remarks at one another until their little talk turned into an all-out brawl. Spike had a front row seat to the action as he watched the nurses pull each other's hair, get into a petty slapfight, and see one of them get body slammed. It was then that the Mayor had walked in.  
When the nurses first laid eyes on her, they were tangled up on the floor.  
"What is the meaning of this," said an angry Mayor Mare. "Is this how our pony tax bits are being spent? On one-sided nurse fights?"  
"One sided," said Tenderheart. "I don't know what fight you were watching, but clearly I was the one winning!"  
"We're very sorry," said Redheart. "We don't know what came over us, Miss Mayor!"  
"I should have you mares demoted for this. But I shall look past this tomfoolery if you leave me and my friend, Spike, be for a few."  
"You got it, Mayor," said Redheart. "And thank you for visiting Ponyville Hospital!"  
Both nurse ponies left the room. After the Mayor shut the door, she heard the sounds of battle anew outside. Those nurses were at it again.  
The Mayor sighed, then she said, "Hello there, Spike. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash told me you were here. How are you?"  
"I'm fine, Mayor Mare," said Spike. It was nice to see a friendly face, he thought. "But I doubt you came all the way here just to see how I'm doing."  
"You're quite correct, Spike. I've come to repay you for the good deed you and Mrs. Cake did for me last week. She'd told me what you were up to lately and  
..how should I put this?"  
Mayor Mare's face was suddenly red. Whatever she was trying to say, Spike could see it was difficult for her to bring it out.  
"What is it? You can tell me, Miss Mayor."  
"I...was wondering," she said slowly, "if you would do me...do me the honor..."  
"Yes?"  
"...do me the honor of...of going on a date with me! There! I said it! Woo!"  
A date? With the Mayor of Ponyville? To Spike, this felt like a step down from Princess Celestia. But a date was a date, after all. He wondered if Mrs. Cake had told her the whole story behind his reason for going out on all these dates. He then wondered if the Princess had told Mrs. Cake the whole story.  
"If she did," said Spike thinking aloud, "she probably didn't mention the part about our deal and Rarity..."  
"Huh? What about Rarity, Spike?"  
"Nothing. I...I don't know," said Spike acting rather coy. "I got a pretty sweet setup here. Food, cute nurses.."  
"I k-know it doesn't sound like fun," said the Mayor in a stutter. "b-but think of it this way! We'll just be two good friends going out for a nice dinner.  
At Chez Pon Foie Gras, tonight."  
"Tonight? That's a little short notice, don't you think?"  
"I'm a busy mare, Spike. I can only enjoy myself a few days a year. I know that this is supposed to be a favor to you but please, please say yes!"  
Spike then pretended to think about it. "Ehhh...okay."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah. I'll go out with you, tonight. It might be fun."  
"Do you swear on it, Spike? You won't stand me up?"  
"You have my word as a dragon and an honorary pony."  
The Mayor nodded. "Perfect! Then I will meet you at Chez Pon Foie Gras at eight 'o clock on the dot. See you tonight, Spike!"  
Then Mayor Mare opened the door and left. The two nurses who had been fighting outside the door were gone. Spike assumed they killed each other and shrugged in silence. "A date with the Mayor," said Spike. "with an ulterior motive! I'm going to need my best bow tie for this!"  
The little dragon spent an half hour sitting in that bed, thinking of how the date would go. He resolved that anything could happen, then got out of bed and snuck out of the hospital. He felt bad about leaving those nurse mares, but he had a date to prepare for. When he got back to Ponyville, a thought had occurred to him about the date in question.  
"Wait. I don't know where that restaurant is!"  
Spike couldn't go anywhere unless he knew that crucial piece of info. He asked all over town, asking everypony he could find. He ended up at Sugarcube Corner, asking Mrs. Cake if she knew where the restaurant was. She told him no, but suggested Mr. Cake might know.  
"Chez Pon Foie Gras," said Mr. Cake. "I know that place! In my younger days, it was where I took some of my...first special someponies..out for a meal!  
Though it used to be in Manehattan. How'd it get to Ponyville?"  
"Uh, and the restaurant is where, Mr. Cake?"  
"Oh, right. I'll tell you where it is, granted you do something for me."  
"Huh?" Spike had already helped him take care of that prank order pony. What else did he have to do? He sighed. "Sure. What's the favor?"  
"I'll let you know," said Mr. Cake with a smarmy look. Then Mr. Cake gave Spike the directions on a sheet of Pinkie Pie stationary. "Why don't you get going?  
You don't want to be late!"  
Spike left Sugarcube Corner and went back home for his bow tie, weirded out by Mr. Cake's hinting.  
Some more hours later (after getting a life-squeezing hug out of Twilight for being gone for a week and watching her scold Rainbow and Pinkie for not telling her that he was in the hospital), Spike was standing in front of the place. The words 'Chez Pon Foie Gras' were on top of the restaurant in big white neon letters.  
Located only a few blocks from the Ponyville Day Spa, the structure of the place was better constructed than most of the homes in Ponyville.  
It was, according to Twilight, a new fancy restaurant making a splash in Ponyville. Spike was wearing his super special bejewled bow tie. He'd also sprayed some really strong french cologne under his armpits. Right now, he felt like he was ready for anything.  
"Okay, Spike. This is it," he said giving himself a pep talk. "You're hanging out with the Mayor, tonight. And you got to make it great, so we'll have three dates down! Don't screw it up! This is all practice for Rarity! For Rarity!"  
Then he stood erect and waited for his date. But where was Mayor Mare? He waited for an hour and nopony came. It was when he was about to give up and go home  
that he saw her coming his way.  
"Toodle-loo! Spike, over here!"  
"Hey, Mayor! You finally made...it? Whoa!" Spike felt his face burn up at the sight of the Mayor. Her tan body sparkled, as if it were covered in glitter.  
Her lipstick and mane were a hot pink, with a white stripe in her hair being the only difference between the two. And her glasses were askew on her face, hanging only by the tip of her nose. The dress she wore looked like a lengthy black skirt with white stripes. And her stylish high heel shoes made her seem more dainty than usual. She looked like a cheerleader in the moonlight, Spike thought.  
"I didn't mean to be tardy, Spike," she said. "I'm usually on time. Guess I was a little lax since I wasn't running off to another town meeting. Say, how do I look?"  
"Like a million gold bits," said Spike, starstruck at the sight of this new side to the Mayor. "You look amazing! And your mane is...!"  
"Pink? Yes, I know. Seeing as how those three naughty fillies published that _exposé_ on my hair's real color, I decided to wear my hair like this at least once a month. To get used to it. Shall we go in?"  
Spike gave the Mayor his arm and grinned. "Oh, yeah!"  
The lovely couple of dragon and mare entered the restaurant. When they were inside, Spike noticed how empty it was. There were some ponies sitting at tables far apart from each other. But there were more free tables than there were ponies. Despite this, the restaurant was excessively fancy. Spike thought back to Mr. Cake's words on the restaurant. What _was_ a place like this doing in the humdrum town of Ponyville?  
"And how may I help you two, tonight," said a pony's voice in a French accent. Spike and the Mayor were greeted by a stallion with blue and white streaked hair.  
His coat, like his mane, was very polished. On his face was a dull expression. You could tell he was not a joking type of pony.  
"Welcome to Chez Pon Foie Gras. My name is Tux 'n Tails. "  
"Uh, hi," said Spike, feeling like lower class trash in this pony's presence. He pointed a shy finger at Mayor Mare. "We're here on a date."  
"Good for you. Where would you like to sit?"  
Spike pointed another finger at a table somewhere in the middle of the others. "Ah. Excellent, sir. I shall seat you immediately."  
The stallion led Spike and the Mayor to their table. Playing the role of a gentleman, Spike pulled out a seat for his date and let her sit first. Then he crawled up onto his chair and sat down. Seeing that Spike couldn't see past the edge of the table, Tux 'n Tails procured some phone books and placed them under Spike.  
He thanked the fancy stallion once he was able to see Mayor Mare on the opposite side of the table. Then Spike and the Mayor picked up their personal menus and read the list of meals.  
"Very good, sir. And what will the two of you be having? Might I recommend the Snail du Prawn Purée?"  
Spike saw what it looked like on the menu and came close to throwing up in his mouth. "Bleccch!"  
His reaction made the fancy pony furrow his brow. "Sir, I am getting the feeling you did not come here to try our superior cuisine. If you have no real taste in food, then I must politely ask you and your date to begone!"  
From where he sat, Spike could see a nervous smile on Mayor Mare's face. This wasn't good. Spike was going to crash and burn if he didn't do something, fast.  
He cleared his throat and spoke again, attempting to speak in a French accent.  
"Ah, what I meant to say was...I think I vill have zeese appetizers first," said Spike as he pointed at a menu item.  
"Then vee shall have zee..uhhh, Duck a l'Orange! And vee shall end our meal vith zee Spruce LaGoose ala Chocolate Mousse!"  
"Ah, it seems I was wrong about you, monsieur," said Tux 'n Tails. "You do have good taste! I shall inform the cooks to make haste with your meal.  
Until I return, please enjoy the music of our fair lady Octavia."  
Before he left their table, Tux 'n Tails clapped his hooves. A pony who'd been nodding off to sleep in the corner woke up and began playing her cello.  
"I'm not getting paid enough for this cameo," grumbled the mare.  
Back at the table, Spike grinned in victory. He'd just bested an upper class pony at being fancy, and he didn't know a thing about Pony France.  
"Good show, Spike," said Mayor Mare. "I didn't think you had it in you."  
"Me neither," said Spike. "I-I mean...that guy was easy! I had everything under control."  
Mayor Mare laughed. In his mind, Spike gave himself an imaginary brohoof. He had a knack for making ponies laugh. To pass the time before their greeter slash waiter returned, Spike and the Mayor started to have a lively chat. They made fun of Tux 'n Tails' greasy hair, Spike being the one to refer to it as a long toupée while the Mayor calling it an overgrown combover. Their chat on the matter was brief, for their waiter was soon back. In his hooves, he had a plate of miniature burgers stacked on top of each other in a meticulous way. After putting it on their table, Tux 'n Tails gave the two patrons a bow and went back to the kitchen. Spike wanted to drool at that magnificient platter of meat, but he held it in. He had to keep on his fancy toes if he didn't want to get kicked out of this restaurant. Not only that but, he was actually having a good time. The slightest slip-up could ruin the whole night, he reasoned. Spike watched the Mayor as she picked up one of the tiny burgers and took a dignified bite out of it. Her chewing, Spike thought, was distinguished. He was unable to hold back a chuckle. When she noticed Spike's eyes on her, she swallowed some of the burger meat in her cheeks and asked, "What's wrong, Spike? Aren't you hungry?"  
"No," replied Spike. "You just look so cute...when you're eating." In his mind, Spike gave himself a well-deserved facepalm. What a stupid thing to say,  
thought Spike. Then unexpectedly, the Mayor laughed.  
"My dear Spike, you truly are a charmer, aren't you? Here. You can try it, next." She handed the dragon her burger and he took it. He stared at the bite mark she'd left in it and blushed. Her pink lipstick had left a small mark there. Mayor Mare's soft, democratic lips had tasted this burger. This was as good as a kiss, Spike thought. If only it was Rarity who took that bite. He slowly took a bite of his own out of it and savored the taste.  
"Mmmmm. Meaty!"  
"Is it good," asked the Mayor. Spike nodded.  
"Oh-mmm, yeah," said Spike with his mouth full, "it's great!"  
He gave the burger back to the Mayor after taking his first big bite out of it.  
He wanted more, but the Mayor had put the whole thing in her mouth and swallowed it whole.  
"Mmmm! Now that I've tasted it again, I must say, it does taste great! Hm?"  
"What is it?"  
"Would you excuse me, Spike? I have to go to the ladies room and...powder my nose."  
Mayor Mare then stepped out of her seat and left Spike at the table alone. When he was sure the Mayor was gone, and the waiter was nowhere near,  
Spike took this chance to wolf down as many burgers as possible.  
"Mmmm! Oh, and this one! Nom, nom, nom, nom!" He was a dragon possessed by his own hungerlust. Soon, he'd licked the platter clean. He sat back in his chair, like a fat, satisfied pig. "Oh, baby. That...was...good!"  
"Bad move, Spike," said somepony. "A gentleman doesn't eat like that!"  
"I know. But I was hungry and I couldn't help myself. Wait, who's there?!"  
Spike spun around to see a face he didn't expect to see tonight: Mr. Cake!  
He was wearing a big phony mustache on his face and a white collar with a black tie on his neck.  
"Mr. Cake?!"  
"I'm here to help you," said Mr. Cake. "I'm your new waiter!"  
"B-but we already have a waiter!"  
"Not anymore! He's busy taking a well-needed break from his, uh, waitering duties."  
Spike pictured Tux n' Tails all tied up and locked in a closet somewhere.  
"You got to get out of here, Mr. Cake," said Spike. "I'm on a date! And I can't screw it up! What are you doing here?!"  
"Remember that 'little favor' you promised to do for me, Spike? Well, this is it. I've been watching you from behind that nice pony's cello in the corner since  
you walked in the restaurant. I can see your date with the Mayor has been going good. But with me as your wingman, you'll do better than good. You might even get the chance to go on another date with her, with my advice."  
Spike had no plans for a second date. And he surely didn't want Mr. Cake here making things hard for him. The little dragon's heart sank. This would not end well. Just then, Spike and Mr. Cake saw Mayor Mare trotting jauntily back to the table.  
"Oops! I'd best amscray back to the kitchen. The cooks told me your Ducky ala Oranges is almost ready."  
"Unbelievable," said Spike once Mr. Cake had left. "How could anypony be fooled by that phony waiter getup?"  
"Spike?"  
The Mayor was back in her chair, giving Spike a concerning look. "Are you okay? I saw you talking with the waiter. He looked...different."  
"Oh! Yeah," said Spike, maintaining a cool profile. "He's our new waiter! He's...filling in for the other guy while he's on his break."  
"Oh, okay. That makes sense."  
Spike sighed. Even Mayor Mare had been fooled.  
"Hey, I don't think I ever gave you a proper thank you."  
"For saving you from Trixie?" He didn't feel too proud about it. For it was Mrs. Cake that took her down, not him.  
"No," said the Mayor. Her tone suddenly became somber. She looked down at her hooves.  
"For going out with me, tonight. I don't like talking about it but, I'm getting on in years, Spike. Old age is right around the corner. I want to find that special somepony before I'm too old to. But you know...even if I never do, I'll never forget this night. The night I shared a wonderful meal with a wonderful friend."  
"Oh, jeez."  
Now Spike felt like a total heel. He was never interested in any of the ponies he'd gone out with. He was only on these dates to get closer to a date with Rarity.  
"I feel so lucky to have a friend like you."  
"I'm not that good of a friend. Ask anypony!"  
The Mayor reached over the table and grabbed Spike's hand. She enclosed it between her hooves, making Spike blush.  
"You're such a modest guy, Spike. If only you were older. Then we could really go on a date. Oh, the things I could show you..."  
"Miss Mayor...I..."  
"Order up!" The mustachioed Mr. Cake burst through the kitchen doors holding a lid-covered platter on his hoof. "Here's a special-a order!  
For the young-a man and his-a lady! Mwah! Enjoy, you two!" Mr. Cake placed the platter on their table. Then he danced his way back into the kitchen,  
scaring some of the cooks with his sweet moves.  
In his mind, Spike gave himself an imaginary smack to the head. Why was Mr. Cake speaking in an Italian accent? This was a French restaurant!  
"That was odd," said the Mayor. "He was speaking like an Italian pony. Our last waiter was French."  
Oh, great, thought Spike. The Mayor was catching on. Hoping to get her mind off of the waiter, Spike tried to change the subject.  
"Uh, hey! Why don't we pick up our forks and knives and dig in to this chicken?"  
A high-spirited Spike closed his eyes and lifted the lid off of the platter. That was when the Mayor gasped. "Oh, my goodness!"  
"What is it," asked Spike in a suave voice. "Is it too delicious for words?"  
"See for yourself!"  
Spike opened his eyes and came close to a freak out; on the platter was a pony tied up tight in ropes. His screams sounded like mumbles  
with the tape over his mouth.  
"Mmm! Mmmmm!"  
"It's our original waiter," said Mayor Mare when she saw his hair. "What happened to him?"  
"I don't know," said Spike, pretending to know nothing. "We should, uh, help him."  
Spike and the Mayor quickly freed Tux 'n Tails and let him get some air.  
"Sacré bleu," said a flustered Tux 'n Tails. "That abominable stallion knocked me out with a bottle of our finest wine and hid me in one of my own platters  
for ten whole minutes! I think I may have become claustrophobic!"  
"Are you okay," asked the Mayor.  
"I will be. Wait right here!"  
The waiter stormed away and disappeared behind the kitchen doors. Moments later, Mr. Cake was shoved out of them by two burly ponies in chef's hats.  
Like Mr. Cake, they had mustaches. Except their mustaches were real.  
"Mr. Cake," said a shocked Mayor Mare, "what in the name of justice are you doing here?"  
"Oh, hello, Mayor," said Mr. Cake with his fake mustache falling off his face. "Funny thing you should ask. You see, I came here to..."  
"Check out the food," blurted out Spike over Mr. Cake. "Yep! That's just like you, Mr. Cake! Checking out the competition, getting in on their baking secrets!  
When will you ever learn?"  
"Spike, what are you talking about? I was here for yo...ohh! I get it! Playing it cool."  
With a nod and a wink, Mr. Cake kept quiet about the real reason he was here. The waiter then returned from the kitchen. He had an angry expression on his face.  
"Hey," said Mr. Cake nervously to the waiter. "No hard feelings, right pal?"  
"You," said Tux 'n Tails, his face getting meaner by the minute, "you brute! You...you despicable clown! Boys, get this buffoon out of my restaurant!"  
And the two burly chef ponies carried Mr. Cake outside and threw him out on the street. The waiter felt a shiver up his spine and rubbed on his arms.  
"Ooh! I still feel his dirty, dirty hooves all over me!"  
"So I take it you're okay," said Spike nervously. Then he shrugged. "Since that weird pony's gone, I think me and my date would like to get back to our dinner."  
"And YOU!" The waiter pointed a hoof at Spike's nose.  
"Who, me?"  
"You are also responsible for this! I would never have suspected you, had that ruffian not blabbed to me how he came here to help you score with the lovely lady!"  
Mayor Mare gasped. "Spike! Is this true?"  
"No, it's not! Mr. Cake was only here because I..."  
But Tux 'n Tails wasn't in the mood to hear the dragon's excuses. He pulled a whistle out of his coat and blew it loud.  
The same burly ponies who'd thrown out Mr. Cake appeared next to Spike. Spike gulped.  
"Security! Jetez ce petit sot dans les rues!"  
"What's that mean?!"  
"It is French," said the waiter to Spike, "for my boys to throw you out on your sorry, unrefined butt! You are no longer welcome here  
at Chez Pon Foie Gras! Not now, not EVER!"  
"No, please wait! Aagh!"  
But Spike had no say here. The burly ponies hefted him up and took him outside, where they swiftly tossed him out. He landed face first in a trash can stuffed with rotting garbage. Mr. Cake, while straightening out his back from his ejection out of the restaurant, saw the whole thing. He cracked his back and neck back into place and went to the trash can. With all his might, he pulled on Spike's legs, trying to get him out.  
"Arrgh! Darn it, Spike," said Mr. Cake. "You're stuck in there real good! I think I'm going to need some more horsepower to get you out of there."  
"Maybe I can help," said the voice of Mayor Mare. Standing beside Mr. Cake, she grabbed ahold of one of Spike's legs and said, "Now you grab the other.  
We'll pull on three."  
"You got it, Mayor!"  
"Alright. One..."  
"Two..."  
"Three!"  
The two ponies tugged hard on Spike's legs, this time successfully pulling his whole body out of the trash can. They put him down gently on his feet and dusted some of the trash off of him. Mr. Cake patted the dragon on the head.  
"There we go! Good as new!"  
Spike sighed. "Whatever."  
"What's the matter, Spike," asked Mayor Mare.  
"It's all my fault, Miss Mayor," said Spike. "I ruined our date."  
"It's not your fault, Spike," said Mr. Cake. "If I hadn't fumbled things up back there, you and the Mayor probably would've had the perfect date. I'm sorry, you two."  
"Oh, don't apologize," said the Mayor. "You did it for Spike. So I can forgive that."  
Mayor Mare thought Spike would cheer up from hearing that, but he still looked sad. "Mr. Cake? I'd like to speak with our boy alone. Is that okay?"  
"Certainly, Miss Mayor," replied Mr. Cake. "I've got to get home, anyways. My wife doesn't know I'm out here and she's going to be really upset with me for missing dinner. See you tomorrow, Spike!"  
Mr. Cake trotted away. Then the Mayor placed her hoof on Spike's chin and made him make eye contact with her.  
"As your duly elected Mayor, I want to know the truth. What was the real reason you said yes to me? Why did you agree to go out with me, Spike?"  
Spike didn't want to say. His reason was a selfish one. But he owed the Mayor an explanation. So he sighed and said,  
"Okay. I'll tell you. You see, Mayor, a week ago I signed up for an online dating site..."  
And Spike told the Mayor about what he'd been up to since last week, starting with his 'date' with Princess Celestia at the Everfree Forest; his escape from Hayseed Turnip Truck in Canterlot; his daring capture of Trixie with Mrs. Cake; and his attempt at breaking Rainbow Dash out of prison with Pinkie Pie.  
"And that's what happened. The Princess said if I went out with five ponies, she'd give me full membership status. I'm sorry I kind of used you to get it."  
Mayor Mare raised her hoof. "I understand, Spike. You did it so you could get a date with your special somepony. Though technically, I wouldn't consider all of those experiences of yours dates."  
The little dragon was baffled by her response. "You wouldn't? Why?"  
"Because they weren't _real _dates, Spike. I doubt the Princess would even consider what you've done as any form of progress...aside from that first one."  
Spike kicked up his foot in the dirt. "Well that stinks!"  
The Mayor felt sad for the little dragon. What could she possibly say to make him feel better about failing his goal? She touched Spike's cheek and asked him,  
"Say, here's a thought. Have you ever considered asking Rarity directly if she wanted to go out with you?"  
Spike looked up at the Mayor. "Ask Rarity? You mean...face-to-face?"  
"Yes, Spike. The Internet may be a nice place to chat and hang out with friends. But nothing beats the real life experience of talking to somepony face-to-face."  
"But I can't handle it! It's just so hard, Mayor! There's too much stress involved in asking her without the Internet!"  
"You're right. Asking somepony to date you online lacks the emotional distress one might feel from the experience in real life.  
But the truth is that the distress you feel is what makes the attempt worthwhile. It's something that makes a pony feel truly alive. Like being close to death,  
for instance. Minus the threat of death, mind you."  
The Mayor was right. Though Spike had tried asking Rarity out many times before and failed, he felt the same way each time. His heart would beat faster,  
his hands would sweat, and he would stand there, watching the pony from a safe distance. It brought Spike great distress. Yet, he felt okay. Because he was close enough to try, it made him feel okay. It made him feel alive.  
"May I make a suggestion," said the Mayor. "I think you should try asking your friend, Rarity, again. Without the use of a computer."  
"But what if she says no," said Spike.  
"Then try again. And again. Keep popping the question to her until the day you really do give up. If you truly care about this mare, then you have to pursue her relentlessly. Now fly! Fly off to the pony of your dreams!"  
Spike nodded. "Okay, I'll do it! Thanks, Mayor Mare!"  
Feeling the bravery of a thousand royal guard ponies in him, Spike made a dash to Rarity's house.  
"Wait, Spike?"  
"Yeah, Mayor?" Spike ran in a circle around a street lamppost and went back to Mayor Mare, jogging in place. "What is it?"  
"I want to give you something. For luck."  
"Is it food?"  
"Not quite."  
Then the Mayor turned away from the little dragon. Spike stopped jogging. He wondered what the Mayor of Ponyville would give him.  
Spike hoped it was food, as those appetizers had only served to feed his hunger.


	9. Chapter 9

In the home of Twilight Sparkle, things were quiet. Twilight sat on her bed upstairs, reading a book. The book's cover read: "How to Train Your Owl".  
Standing on his talons nearby was Owlowiscious. He watched the pony as she read her book, hooing questionably at the cover's title. When Twilight caught him eyeing the book, she pointed a hoof at him and at her eyes.  
"I'm watching you, Owlowiscious," she said menacingly. "Go on. Try to tear this book up. If you do, I swear I'll put you in the most uncomfortable headlock  
you've ever been in."  
"Hoo, hoo! Hoo!" Twilight's well-worded threat was enough to scare Owlowiscious away. He flew out the open window. Twilight knew he'd be back before too long.  
Just then, the front door opened downstairs. Spike walked in, his face sweaty.  
"Spike, is that you?"  
"Course it is," replied Spike.  
Twilight then came downstairs to see him. When she reached him, she gave him a big, long hug.  
"Uh, Twilight? You okay?"  
"I should be asking you that question," said Twilight. "I ran into Mr. Cake on my way back from Sweet Apple Acres.  
Applejack needed my help on determing the total amount of apples in her family's second orchard. He told me what happened."  
"Oh. He did, huh?"  
"Are you okay, Spike? Do you want to cuddle?"  
The unicorn pony opened her arms wide, ready to smush her dragon companion with even more of her pony love. But Spike backed away.  
"It's okay, Twilight. Me and the Mayor talked it over and everything's fine."  
"Really? That's good. I'm glad everything worked out. Hm?"  
The perceptive pony spied something pink on one of the little dragon's cheeks. She turned his head to the side and pointed at it.  
"Where'd that come from?"  
"What," said Spike slyly, "this? I got it from the Mayor. For being a real ladies man!"  
"She kissed you?"  
"On the cheek! Isn't it great? And check this out!" Spike turned his head to the other side. On his other cheek was a purple mark.  
"Where'd you get that one?"  
"Okay...you're not going to believe this but...I got it from Rarity!"  
"Nu-uh!"  
"Uh-huh! Guess my charm finally worked on her! And tomorrow me and her are hanging out at the Spa all day! Tonight was the greatest night of my life!"  
Overcome by the rush of joy in his heart, Spike fell down on his back. He'd accomplished what he said he would do. And life was great.  
Though a spa day wasn't exactly a date, he figured it was good enough. Then, he got an idea. He got back up and said,  
"Twilight, I want to write a letter to the Princess. I think I've learned something today."  
"You did? Wow, that's great, Spike! I'll get right on it!"  
Using her magic, Twilight brought a sheet of paper and a quill from her work table. She held the quill to paper and waited for Spike to speak.  
"Anytime you're ready, Spike."  
Spike cleared his throat. He started to pace the floor, thinking of what he wanted to say.  
"Dear Princess Celestia," Spike began. "Today I learned something very important: I'M THE MAN!"  
Spike was quiet after that. Twilight looked up at him from the paper with a quizzical look.  
"And?"  
"That's it."  
Twilight groaned. Seeing that Spike wouldn't put the words down, she decided to do it for him.  
"Also, Princess," continued Twilight, "I've learned that online dating isn't the best method for going out on dates. I should have asked Rarity out myself instead of relying on a website to do it for me. Please remove my membership from the site, as I have no further use for it. Your friend, Spike."  
"Thanks Twilight," said an egotistical Spike. "I knew you'd fill in the blanks for me."  
His cocky attitude put a frown on her face. So the pony made a small addendum to the end of the letter. When she was done, she rolled it up and handed it to Spike.  
"Okay, Spike. Go ahead!"  
Spike blew his fire breath on it and the letter vanished in a plume of smoke. It flew out the window and was on its way to Princess Celestia.

Meanwhile, in the grand castle of Canterlot, Princess Celestia was sitting on her throne and reading a book of her own.  
The cover read: "How to Punish Traitorous Ponies, Volume 1." She mused at the images of ponies in pain on each page.  
"This looks good. And this one? Oh, my!"  
That was when a trail of green fire and smoke flew in through an open window. It came to the Princess and metamorphosed into a rolled up parchment,  
falling into her lap.  
"A letter from Twilight," said Celestia. "How quaint! Let's see what it says."  
The pony put her book down and picked up the parchment. Then she unrolled it and read the letter.  
"Dear Princess Celestia...I'm...the man? Huh. Good for him."  
On reading the next part, she knew the words put down weren't Spike's.  
"Come now, Twilight. We know Spike's not that bright." And when she reached the end of the page, she saw what Twilight had added to the letter.  
"P.S. If it's not too much trouble for you, I was wondering if you could send a pony to come with me and Rarity tomorrow on our 'date'. Please send somepony responsible to keep an eye on us that will report to my bestest and smartest friend, Twilight Sparkle, if anything is amiss. Love, Spike."  
Obviously, this part was also done by Twilight. But just for the fun of it, the Princess chose to play along. She put the letter down and used her magic to bring another book to her. It was a phonebook. When she got her hooves on it, she opened it and searched through the pages. When she found the number she was looking for, she used her magic to bring her personal phone to her and dialed it.  
"Hello? Yes, it's me! Princess Celestia! It's good to hear from you, too. The reason I'm calling is well, as I recall, you owe me a favor, right?  
I'd like you to follow somepony special around town tomorrow. Well, a pony and a dragon. They'll be at the Ponyville Spa, possibly at noon. Okay.  
Yes, but nothing too naughty. They're just kids, you know. Okay. I love you too. I wish you a good night's rest, Princess Molestia. Goodbye!"  
And Celestia hung up the phone. With her magic, she threw it and the phonebook away. Then she heard somepony yelp out in pain.  
"Ouch! Princess, that hurt!"  
Celestia lazily looked down at the pony she held prisoner under her flank. "Oh, be quiet, Penny."  
"It's Dollar, you dig? Or Money Shot! Or...aargh! My back!"  
Dollar of the Pegasi paparazzi was in a great deal of pain as the Princess smushed her bottom a little more on his back.  
"Oh, I dig," said the Princess. "You know, if you would only say you're sorry, I'd have let you go earlier. Both Trixie and Hayseed gave me an apology already and  
I sent them on their way. I heard they went to that hoedown in Dodge Junction. Isn't it funny how an ice queen like Trixie could all of a sudden want to go anywhere with a country pony like him?"  
"She just wanted to get away from you," said Dollar angrily. "If I were her, I'd want to get as far away from you as possible, too! You're nuts! Aaaaagh!"  
The pony's snarky comment only made Celestia squish him more. Dollar could swear that he heard his backbone cracking.  
"Okay," said a desperate Dollar pony, "okay! I'm sorry! Do you hear me? I'm super sorry! So sorry that I was such a jerk to ya! Didn't mean to side with that  
dirty, dirty changeling!"  
"Go on. I'm listening. Ooh! Ahh...oh, my."  
The Princess felt a shift in her lower hindquarters.  
"Huh? What's the problem?"  
"Let's just say," said the Princess, her face turning red, "I'm starting to get used to you being down there. Hey. Want to have some fun with your Princess?"  
When he put two and two together, Dollar's face turned white. "I think...I need an adult!"  
"Silly Dollar. I AM an adult!"  
"Aaaaaaaaahh! No, Princess! Please, no! I'm a minor, STOOOOOOOP!"

The terrified screams of the pony could be heard by the royal guards standing outside the Princesses' throne room.  
They shuddered at the thought of what was happening in there.

"Poor guy," said one of the guards.  
"Yeah. He's totally screwed," said the other one.

And the screen fades out on another day in Equestria.


End file.
